Final Four Astrology: It's Butler, Bitches

It ain't Kemba's night.

We suppose she could have gone 0-for-2, so there's that.

In any case, the stars speak again about what will happen tonight. We asked Figgy Jones to look at the best player on each team, when and where they were born, and what that means tonight.

And the answer is: Butler. Believe it or not.

Take it away, Ms. Jones:

We have had our crystal balls busted over our 50 percent success rating in predicting Final Four playoffs winners. That entitles us to get a much better-paying job in weather forecasting, the way we see it.

At least one prognosticator -- again, another highly paid dude, this time in sportscasting -- agrees with us that UConn's Jim Calhoun may just cash it in after this tournament. However, he's cited some other reason, like former player Nate Miles doing a kiss 'n' tell about how he was recruited. We, on the other hand, saw transiting Uranus had just passed over the Neptune end of his natal moon-Neptune opposition -- in his 6th house of work -- and figured deception was going to wreak havoc with his security and ideals.

So UConn pulled it out of the bag, and now they face Butler U., the champion of the Cinderella division. Who, pray tell, will be victorious?

To take a tiny step into the layers of complexity in predicting which machine -- with many moving parts -- will win, we look to the charts of both team's star players, UConn's Kemba Walker v. Butler's Shelvin Mack. We have no idea why exactly they're considered the best; we are taking the editor's word for it.

As to their horoscopes, what was weird to discover was both UConn and Butler head coaches and Mack have pretty much the same moon sign/degree: Pisces. The moon is like your autonomic nervous system in that you don't have to think about doing something in that manner (Pisces). You default to that mode. A Piscean moon's highest function could connect its owner to the cosmos; to all of mankind -- the low road could show a heavy drinker/druggie.

UConn's Walker and his coach were born two days (and about 100 years) apart, with Taurus sun signs, and they're no doubt alike in their fixed determination on the career path. Plus, there's another connection where it's almost as if Walker is a younger, stronger, more physically dexterous extension of Calhoun's body. Oh, and Walker has partaken of the Kool-Aid. What Calhoun mentors him in only furthers his personal beliefs.

But I favor Butler tonight.

First off, Mack's got his own personal little fresh start, a new beginning, with the transiting moon on his Sun. Everyone got a taste of that yesterday, with the new moon conjunct the Sun in Aries, the beginning of the zodiac. But he's going to have his own little personal one, tailored to HIS birthday (April 22) during the entire game!

Butler coach Brad Stevens has got that sweet little "let's get married and build a dynasty" connection going on between Saturn (the foundation builder) and his moon, which equals security. It's a marriage that could cost him, but worth it to him in the long run. Of the four men here, he's the only one not a Taurus. He's Libra, and within about one and a half years, he undoubtedly will have the dream job if he doesn't have it now.

Calhoun is a force to be reckoned with, and although he may have his dream point guard/team leader in Walker, his own destiny was rocked somehow around the time Obama was elected, in November 2008. About a half-dozen twists to the knife have occurred since then, wherein the "old" is battling the "new." I don't know what those twists are, because I don't follow sports. But maybe no one knows what they are...yet.