Final Four: A Non-Expert Guide on Who to Root For

Everything you need to know, almost

If, like us, your love of basketball evaporated away awhile back, that means you need to get caught up on the teams playing so you can sound like an expert at your viewing party.

Luckily, even though we have caught perhaps 48 seconds of basketball action this year, we are here to help. We've already offered astute analysis of the fashion horrors of each team's uniform; we've also given you expert insight into the astrological implications of each coach's birth sign. But we can give more.

Here are reasons to vote for each of the Final Four teams. Use them to come to a decision as to who will get your rooting interest.

Kentucky
Reasons to root for them:
1. Ashley Judd roots for them. (On the other hand, I'm trying to think of a good Ashley Judd movie and I'm blanking.)
2. The movie Glory Road exaggerated the heinous racism of UK legendary coach Adolph Rupp. (one very, very slightly.)

3. Their head coach really knows how to get around the NCAA ethics guidelines and not get caught. (Yet.)

UConn
1. Many celebrities live in Connecticut. (None in Hartford, where UConn plays its big home games.)
2. Head coach Jim Calhoun is a man driven to succeed. (Which is usually sportswriter code for "self-involved asshole.")
3. Bellaire High's Emeka Okafor went there. (And no snark here like "for one year"; Okafor got his degree with an impressive GPA along the way.)

Butler
1. They are a Cinderella team. (They were last year, too, and lost.)
2. Any piece of information you could offer your viewing mates about Butler will go unchallenged. ("Yes, it's well-known for its Elephantiasis Center and has produced three vice presidents of the United States and one of Venezuela." Who's gonna know?)
3. You get to root for this guy, whose sheer whiteness is only outshone by his ability to rock the uni:

VCU
1. Never heard of them.

So there you go -- Choose wisely.