I Was a Celebrity Goat Milker

See pictures of some of Houston's biggest media names milking goats, and the hilarity that ensued, in our slideshow.

A lifelong dream, a dream that was once a daily reality for my farm-bound Czech ancestors, was achieved yesterday as I firmly grasped the milk-laden teats of a goat named Brownie and tugged onto them, releasing life-giving liquid into a green bucket, next to some of Houston's biggest media names.

Yesterday was the Celebrity Goat Milking Competition at Reliant Center, one of the opening-day attractions at this year's RodeoHouston. I volunteered myself to come down the MetroRail to try my hand at milking a goat beside Theresa from 94.5 The Buzz, Michael Garfield, Outlaw Dave, Gene Norman and that high-pitched thing from Estéreo Latino, Pepito.

Goat-milking is not hard, but I am not about to lay down my laptop to live on a farm and spend my time under an animal toiling away on nipples. There is a technique to the job, but it's hard to explain with words. You'll just have to watch the videos. Also, I found the best way to get the most milk from your goat is to have it make out with you. A lot of love and a little beard goes a long way.

Yesterday's winner was Dana Tyson, who filled up her bucket with easily double what I got from Brownie. I made it to the small winner's circle, no small feat. Outlaw Dave's goat kicked his bucket over, so he didn't place too high. My idea that the winners had to chug the warm, untreated milk was roundly shot down.