Milo the Drink: Five Things to Expect, If You Know Milo Hamilton

Now you can drink the essence of Milo

It's popular in Australia, Wiki tells us, but here in Houston -- home of Houston Astro play-by-play legend Milo Hamilton -- it seems especially apt.

We've never tasted the stuff, but just from years of listening to Milo's annoyingly vague and uninformative play-by-play, not to mention his outside-the-booth antics, we are absolutely positive of the five following facts about Milo the drink:

5. It smells, overpoweringly, of bad cologne
No one ever walks into your house and asks, "Hey, got any Milo?" If you do, they know.

4. It comes with a Milo Hamilton Hall of Fame card
We're sure there are people who have met Hamilton and have not had one of these things thrust upon them, but these people are notoriously difficult to find, like Sasquatch.

3. Ingredients: Water, [mumble, mumble, mumble, mumble] [irrelevant anecdote]
The ingredients list can't be seen in the picture, but we assume the label contains as much necessary information as Hamilton describing a line-drive to the gap.

2. This man is not drinking Milo
Because Milo wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire. In a world where everybody loved Harry Carey, Milo Hamilton was the exception.

1. We'd like to welcome
If there's ONE SINGLE THING you absolutely need to know before you drink Milo, it's -- first, let's welcome the gang from ConocoPhillips, who are here in one of the luxurious superboxes!! And the great folks from Dynegy, soaking up the sun; the Westbury Christian School boys' soccer team, Elaine Benes and David Puddy , all our friends from Harkins Tool & Die, a group from ExxonMobil........