Five Rules MetroRail Should Consider Adding

Categories: Spaced City

metro-rail.jpg
Do some crop dusting, go to jail. It's the law.
Houstonians are generally an amiable folk. We have a reputation for being friendly almost to a fault. So, when we read about the controversy stirred up in New York City over a video of a fight between a subway rider eating spaghetti and another rider who was none too pleased with this activity, we wondered about the rules on our own light rail system.

There is apparently no ban on eating on the subway in New York, which makes it at least a little surprising that something like this hasn't been caught on video sooner. We're fairly certain it's happened, but like most things in the world today, if it isn't on YouTube, it doesn't exist.

Riders of MetroRail in Houston can rest easy in the knowledge that eating and drinking are not allowed. Additionally, things like littering, spitting, "lewd behavior," vandalism, fighting, verbal abuse and drug use are on Metro's list of no-no's for riders.

They even go so far as to give this cute little bit of advice:

Do not occupy more than one seat - no matter how nice your purse is, it doesn't require its own space.

Oh, SNAP!

We began to think that maybe this list could be expanded or at least better defined in order to avoid our own mass-transit brawls. So, here are our five suggestions for rules Metro should consider for the light rail.

5. No nail clipping

Trimming your nails should be done in the privacy of your own home, preferably over a garbage can or toilet. No one wants your nasty nail remnants lying around where they want to sit. In fact, don't even bring nail clippers on the train. You can't bring them on an airplane, so there's no sense in endangering us with your flying nail clippings on the rail. You could put an eye out.

4. No shooting people

Gun laws in Texas allow you to carry a gun pretty much anywhere. In fact, we're pretty sure toting a loaded weapon will be a requirement any day now. But, please, when you are on the rail, holster that bad boy. Nobody wants a bullet ricocheting all over the damn place and hurting some innocent bystander. Save your gun fight for a vacant alley or a Walmart parking lot.

3. No sex

Granted, the rules say "no lewd behavior," but we feel like a specific ban on sex is warranted. Sure, it looks all hot when it's Tom Cruise and Rebecca De Mornay are doing the nasty on a train in Risky Business to the sweet sounds of Tangerine Dream, but a more likely scenario is two crack addicts having a quickie in the seat next to you while Girl Talk seeps out of some hipster's ear buds. (Oh, and this includes oral. Don't think you could get away with Bill Clinton-izing that rule. We're onto you, slick.)

2. No masturbation

While we're on this topic, let's just get this out of the way as well. We know plenty of you pervs get off to playing pocket pool in public, but this is neither the time nor the place. Handle your business elsewhere, weirdo. And don't even think about pulling a Kansas City Car Wash when your buddy and his girlfriend are violating rule number 3.

1. No farting

This is a tough one to enforce. If someone accuses another of this transgression, they would be found guilty by the doctrine of "he who smelt it dealt it." However, a new legal concept making the rounds, "he who denied it supplied it," complicates matters, which is why it is better to just wait until you get off the train before breaking wind, as our grandmother called it. Fines are double for anyone found guilty of leaving a silent but deadly behind as they walk through the sliding doors and off the train, or "crop dusting."

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6 comments
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Fatty FatBastard
Fatty FatBastard

Oh, SNAP! Balke, is there no area of nonsense you WON'T touch?

I know you think you are clever, but you aren't.

You are very good at Houston history. And I will always give you credit for the Rox campaign. You did well there.

But I'm the historian of Houston. And this is awful. Farting? Seriously? I haven't discussed it since I was 12.

No offense, bro. But why doesn't someone ask me why I love this town so much? You know I was voted the biggest fan on our Rox website.

Y'all can hate me for being abrasive, but I want this town to be the best town to live in before I die. And, weirdly, enough, my plan has been working!

Jeff
Jeff

No, there isn't and thanks for sharing, Sam Houston.

HopAboardMetrosGoldenTrain
HopAboardMetrosGoldenTrain

#4: Funny, I haven't read of even one instance of a shootout on any Metrorail. Ever. ??

Kyle
Kyle

Me either. There was some hub-bub when they decided to start allowing concealed carry on Metro vehicles, but it seems to be going fine so far.

Craig
Craig

I was on the train one day and I found a nail clipping that fit!

HNN
HNN

And get rid of the cloth seats... whoever thought that was a good idea should be forced to sit on them. UGH!

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