Pop Rocks: Alternatives for Your Iglesia-less Britney Spears Tour

Not opening for Britney, he doesn't.

​By now you've all heard the devastating news; not about the continuing problems at Japan's Fukushima nuclear facility, though that's still pretty important...I guess -- no, I'm of course referring to Enrique Iglesias's decision to bail on the just-announced Britney Spears tour.

Despite a big-time announcement on Good Morning America Tuesday morning, "the deal was not done," the insider explains. "It was strictly a business matter."

Talk that Iglesias resented the idea of "opening" for Spears is also off-base, the source insists.

"It had nothing to do with Enrique's ego or having a problem with opening. It was always a co-headlining tour. . . in fact, Enrique prefers to perform first, as he doesn't like to perform late in the night."

Rather than take the bait of that last sentence, I'll offer another possible explanation: Iglesias isn't scandalous enough to share billing with Britney. Fortunately there's still enough time before the start of the "Femme Fatale" tour to find a more suitable replacement. And as luck would have it, I have a few suggestions.

I have to admit, I've been fascinated with Britney's weird odyssey ever since I first saw "Baby, One More Time" while lying hung over in a Dublin hotel room in 1999 (the British Isles are so quaint they still show music videos), and following her career over the last decade has been equal parts surreal and sorrowful, sort of like watching Watership Down on ketamine. In spite of claims from the Spears camp that everything's fine and dandy, there's a not-insignificant amount of speculation that Brit-Brit hasn't completely bounced back from her recent bout of head-shaving/umbrella swinging.

Because there's nothing more boring than a couple of well-behaved musicians performing together, here are some artists that might add to the tour's trainwreck factor.

Willie Nelson

He won't have to sing for his freedom on those possession charges, but I have a feeling Willie could use a little extra cash on hand to deal with any future...entanglements (and April 15 is almost here, not to bring up a sore spot or anything). Plus, it's a perfect opportunity to introduce the Red Headed Stranger to a generation whose only idea of country music comes from Toby Keith's Ford truck commercials.

Chris Brown

Are they saying "Boo" or "Boo-rown?" Like him or not (and honestly, who likes this guy?), Brown has the #1 album on the Billboard charts, and the double-bill would almost certainly be one of the most lucrative tours of the summer. He does have some anger issues, so it's probably best to keep him away from Britney. And the crew. And the press. In fact, just keep him tranqued out in his dressing room until showtime.