Southwest Prepares to Fly to Newark: Five Tips

New Jersey: Enter at your own risk

As a native of the Garden State -- one who grew up only a few miles from Newark Airport -- we're here to help.

Five tips for the airline:

5. Offer a shuttle bus from the airport to Rutt's Hut
No, wait -- don't offer it, make it mandatory. There are no better hot dogs in the world. And if New Jersey cuisine is about anything, it's pizza and hot dogs. (Visitors can arrange their own transportation to the Park Tavern in East Rutherford for the pizza part of the equation.)

4. Zubaz for everyone
Before deplaning in New Jersey, passengers will be required to don Zubaz (yes, still). Don't worry, no one will notice.

3. Bruce won't let you use a song for your ads
This does not mean you should go with Bon Jovi. Take it from us.

2. Throw in the stray "fuckin'" into the flight attendant announcements
"In the event of a fuckin' loss of cabin pressure...." You get the idea.

1. Please, load up on the Sopranos references
We can see the ads or the in-house promotion parties now: Herb Kelleher makes a surprise comeback dressed as Tony Soprano, various VPs walk around like Paulie Walnuts or Silvio, you're gonna whack high airfares, etc., etc. Please do this. Absolutely nothing could go wrong.