The Axiston of Evil

Categories: Pop Rocks

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Together at last...
If it's a month with an "r" in it, there must be another Jennifer Aniston movie coming out. Sure enough, the airwaves are littered with commercials for her latest, Just Go With It, and she's dutifully hitting the talk show circuit (Ellen, Conan) and also making the rounds of the gossip mags, all of which are once again proclaiming the former Friend to be really and truly happy, and this time she means it, goddammit:

What's the biggest misconception out there about Jennifer Aniston?

"That I'm unhappy," the actress tells PEOPLE in this week's cover issue. "I'm really happy. Really!"

Okay! Jesus, we believe you. Because in retrospect, why shouldn't she be happy? When not making movies, Aniston can usually be caught sunbathing in Mexico (the non-drug murdering parts), and in 2007 she was named as one of Forbes' 20 richest women in entertainment. Granted, this was before critical disasters like The Bounty Hunter and box office bombs like The Switch (the failure of which can probably be blamed on the box office poison of post-Teen Wolf, Too Jason Bateman), but Aniston still commands a salary in the millions and has been linked to a rotating roster of eligible hunky bachelors.

Well, and Adam Duritz.

With her latest movie, however, she appears to have finally hit on the winning formula. Her previous pattern of allegedly dating costars like Vince Vaughn (The Break-Up) and Gerard Butler (The Bounty Hunter) has run its course, especially when dipshit Internet bloggers start seeing through the ruse.

So then what's next? What to do when your leading-lady star starts to wane? Hook up with Adam Sandler.

Say what you want about his movies (and people have said plenty), they make some serious money. His comedies consistently gross over $100 million domestically, and Sandler has mastered the art of only making appearances on talk shows where little is likely to happen beyond some gentle fellating of his even gentler comedic skills (Leno, Letterman),

You can see why their collaboration is win-win. In Aniston, Sandler has found an age-appropriate foil for his clumsy cinematic romantic angles, and in the married Sandler, Aniston finally has a co-star she doesn't have to act like she's having sex with in order to drum up interest in her films.

Of course, as with all publicity tours, the Just Go With It junket also reeks of bullshit:

"Adam and I have a sense of humor that is so in sync, we could basically just say nothing, our eyes would lock and we'd burst out into laughter," she says. "I mean we just had a really nice sort of chemistry."

Yeah, I thought that was pretty indefensible myself, but then I realized how "in sync" Sandler and Aniston really are: He makes increasingly formulaic and shitty "comedies" (I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, Grown-Ups) and she starred in one of the most overrated sitcoms of all time.

Seriously, how did Friends last ten seasons?

Look for Just Go With It to pull in $40 million or more over the pre-Valentine's Day weekend. People magazine will declare a Jennifer Aniston career resurgence, and Sandler will continue to turn into his Uncle Morty. And order was restored to the land.

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6 comments
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Corletteo
Corletteo

You are bitter bitter bitter!!! Get over your lame self. You know u are just one opinion in millions. And no one really cares what you think.

Katy
Katy

I feel a little bad, because the annual GFP (that’s Gross Friends Product) seems a little high – I think two former Friends are initiating new series this week alone.

Plus, one of them married an Arquette for a while, and no one deserves that.

But weren’t they making like $1 million each per episode that last season? 22 episodes in a season… carry the one… that’s like a trillion dollars for the last season alone. Why would you bother doing an Adam Sandler movie or “Cougar Town” after that?

She could just sit at home all day and completely avoid getting ridiculed on “Houston Press” blogs…

Craig
Craig

Nah, we'd still make fun of her for not giving Brad his babies.

Katy
Katy

That’s harsh.It’s a good thing she’s so happy.

Guest
Guest

I think this is the 2011 equivalent of Burt Reynolds thinking he was a leading man in the late 1980s.

Craig
Craig

She is beyond lame.

Friends lasted ten seasons because you could still by ephedrine OTC at the nice man's store.

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