I Think We're Alone Now, Except for the Mega Pythons

Categories: Pop Rocks

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My cup runneth over.
I realize Egypt is in chaos and everyone north of the Mason-Dixon line is going to be flash frozen like a bag of Birds Eye broccoli florets and Charlie Sheen is apparently the reincarnation of Grigori Rasputin, but that is no excuse, no excuse, for the criminal lack of attention paid by our "lamestream" media to last weekend's cultural watershed moment. An event which, if you saw it referred to at all, was only in passing, and possibly with heavy (and unwarranted) sarcasm, despite the fact it united two of the brightest stars in our entertainment firmament for the first time on film. Two performers of such -- dare I say, legendary -- talent and reputation their collaboration should have been emblazoned in headlines across the most august publications in the land (or at least announced on the Drudge Report with those little sirens).

Instead, the news was buried under stories of dubious newsworthiness like "Egypt protesters play down Islamist party's role" and "Dissident arrested in Moscow." So chances are you weren't even aware that Deborah Gibson and Tiffany joined forces for the epic Mega Python vs. Gatoroid on the Syfy Channel last Saturday night.

I have seen wonders, my friends. I have gazed upon the Eibsee in Bavaria from the top of the Zugspitze. I've beheld the raging Atlantic from the ruins of Dun Aengus and watched in awe as my roommate shotgunned a 12-pack of Milwaukee's Best in under three minutes, but I have never witnessed beauty like the sight of two '80s icons doing battle, first with each other, and then against the movie's eponymous megafauna.

The plot is deliciously convoluted, but I'll attempt to sum it up: Gibson plays animal rights activist Nikki, who sets illegally imported snakes free in the Everglades. You might think such a tactic would be cruel, akin to sentencing the poor reptiles to death, which just proves how much smarter the singer of "Electric Youth" is than you. The snakes positively thrive in the swamps, alarmingly so, forcing Park Ranger Terri (Tiffany) to counter the ecological crisis by feeding the local alligator population steroid-laden chickens. I won't say what happens next, but my Uncle Steve -- who is a Park Ranger in an undisclosed Midwestern state -- told me something very similar happened in 1983, but the government hushed it up.

Given that blockbuster story, it's hard to explain the shameful lack of attention paid to this movie. We have cruises featuring the likes of REO Speedwagon and Styx, while the TV show Glee milked Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'" for an entire season, and yet we're somehow supposed to accept that America isn't ready for a reunion between two of the most beloved pop princesses of the latter 20th century.

After all, as a nation we're all about clashes of our most respected titans: Muhammad Ali and Joe Frazier, Bjorn Borg and John McEnroe, Alexis Colby and Krystle Carrington. The inevitable conflict between these two forgotten heroes of a bygone decade (before they realize their common purpose, of course) is as American as manifest destiny and the McRib.

Don't believe that? Well, allow me to retort:

To paraphrase another -- lesser -- movie: Is this heaven? No, it's Miami.

Or Los Angeles standing in for Miami. Whatever, you get the idea.

Mega Python vs. Gatoroid premiered on the Syfy Channel last Saturday and will repeat ad nauseam for the next three months at least. You know you want to watch.

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