Cold Weather Baby Names: Naming the Bundle of Joy You Started This Morning
No doubt all of you people who don't work in the news industry are either off this morning or working from home. But we all know that no one gets any work done at home with all the distractions running around you. Television, NetFlix, Internet porn, food, will all cut into your "work" time.
It made sense in February 2011, kid
The lucky ones will have a significant other at home also home from work, or staying in out of the cold. You will look at each other, clad maybe in only thermal underwear, long pajamas, sweatpants, or maybe soiled, oversized slippers with elves on them.
And you will feel nothing but intense heat and emotion, a stirring in your loins. You will make a baby as local newscasters show clips of your fellow Houstonians driving into each other because of the icy streets. The irony will be blazing as science takes its course. In roughly nine months you will be birthing a child, making your holiday season all the more hectic.
We came up with a list of baby names for your new bundle of joy, using all the crap that February 2011 will be known for, from news, music and movies. When your kid asks you in a decade how they were conceived (because you raised a prying pervert), you can tell them that Egypt was imploding while the stork was sitting in the corner, watching you guys having sex.
Be horribly topical, but also show you care by slinging some political science on the maternity ward. Bonus points if you drop the Hosni bomb on the lad or lady.
Jack / Meg
Honor the memory of the fallen Detroit indie duo, the White Stripes, who broke up this week, with one of these names. Mix it up; maybe call the dude Meg. Or call the girl Jack. Or pray for conjoined twins and make them play instruments against their will. Conjoined Twins + Rock And Roll = PROFIT.
Anyone From Glee
I dunno, just pick one. They should all work fine in five years. No one will care, and you can just play it off as a joke and make the kid go by a middle name.
Nina or Lily from Black Swan
With these names, you pretty much get the Birds & The Bees talk out of the way, in the hottest way possible.
As in Charlie Sheen, who will just be a delightful memory once your child comes of age and drugs and whoring become legal. He will be seen as a pioneer to the next generation, mark my words.
Name your child after the Dark Meme Lord, Inglip, and your child will be the star of the playground, along with Golden-Voiced Hobo Gonzalez and Strutting Leo Jones.
King George VI
You didn't see probable Best Picture winner The King's Speech, did you? You actually went and saw that Ashton Kutcher movie where he sleeps with Natalie Portman, huh? King George VI makes a good kid's name, but pray to God they either get into rap or fashion designing. No one wants a King George giving them a space pap smear on Mars in 2045.
It's never too early to give your kid a leg up on having their own Twitter handle. Strike while the birthing canal is still hot.