Valentine's Day: Nine Awful Gift Ideas

We're sure that the procrastinators out there just started sweating reading that headline. Yes, you only have days to get that special whoever something for Valentine's Day, which is closing in on us, coming up on Monday.

There are good gifts (all-day sex marathons, beef ribs served in bed, cash) and then there are the bad gifts, the ones that can earn you a one-way ticket to the couch, the curb, or the dorky table in the lunchroom for you kids in grade school.

For most bad gifts, you have an outside chance of surviving getting off with just a laugh and a smile, a reprieve from punishment. Gifts like the ones you are about to read about may very well leave both people in tears. For guys, crying in a heap on the floor after being racked in the nuts.

9. Mini Branding Iron
This is prison shit, and I love it. You could use it on friends at bars, and not just to brand strippers on Valentine's evening after you have finished all the blow and can't go home.

​

It's chocolate

​8. Edible Penis Mold
Because dudes wanna eat their own dick. Seriously? This would be cool for a mean ex-girlfriend who wants to show her friends how small her ex-man was over a few bottles of white wine. I want to meet the person/man who will chow down on a gelatinous mold of his penis so I can ask him if he has to heat his brass balls in the winter.

7. Baby Love Reborns
For the couple who misses having newborns around the house, or a barren couple that wants to know what it's like to have an inert, lifeless doll lying around the house. If you get this for your infertile wife, do not pass GO do not collect alimony.

6. Shape-Ups
"Hey toots, your ass sort of sucks since we have gotten older. Put on these shoes that look like they were made for the cast of The Boys Next Door. Do stuff to my junk."

​

5. Fleshlights
This isn't so bad, I guess. It could mean your significant other doesn't want you to have tired hands, or would like you to practice longevity skills on a fake rectum or vagina so you can last longer in bed or the bed of the pick-up. On the downside, it could mean that they feel bad for cheating on you and don't want you to stray too far.