Rick Perry's "Emergencies": An Agenda Set by Tea Party Talk Radio

Rick Perry: A Randolph Mantooth for our time

You are forgiven if you are a Texas resident -- wondering how the hell the state is going to fund education, critical social services, highways and perhaps, just perhaps, do even a little something about air pollution -- and you find yourself surprised to learn that abortion sonograms are an "emergency."

That's because Rick Perry's idea of an emergency seems to be "Whatever the Tea Party and talk radio tells me it is."

Let's look at what the governor has solemnly declared to be an emergency so far this year:

5. Abortion Sonograms
As we all know, Texas has fallen far, far behind compared to where other states' abortion laws should be, in that it has not yet required every woman seeking to terminate an early pregnancy without being forced to watch a state-funded custom-made 45-minute documentary entitled How I Really Met My Mother in which an incredibly cute-voiced narrator (an accomplished voiceover actor playing a six-year-old) recounts the joys of the first years of his or her life with the mother. State law will require women seeking abortions to provide pictures of themselves so that computers may more accurately come up with what the child will look like beyond the Cutest Thing Ever.

4. Voter ID
The Republicans enjoyed a massive, near-historic success at the polls in 2010. Obviously this means there was rampant voter fraud, especially in minority districts.

3. "Sanctuary Cities"
Believe it or not, there are dozens of Texas communities welcoming illegal aliens with open arms, declaring themselves to be "Sanctuary Cities," most of them featuring welcome signs that say "We Hate America." We have no idea where these cities might be, but they must exist, because Rick Perry not only says they do but the scourge is growing so fast it must be dealt with immediately.

2. Balancing the Federal Budget
This is an emergency because a) The nation demands to hear what Texas thinks about the federal government; and b) it will distract attention from Texas's gaping, massive budget gap.

1. Reforming Eminent Domain Issues
If there was one issue that was discussed ad nauseam in the 2010 election, it was eminent domain issues. At least in terms of rallies and Web sites where you'd see lots of "Don't Tread on Me" stuff, often spelled correctly.