Five Oprah Secrets That Would Have Been More Interesting

​Last week we started hearing rumors of a bombshell revelation coming on Monday's episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show, a discovery Winfrey made late last year which she described as a "miracle" that she said "shook me to my core." Speculation ran rampant, from the predictable "lesbian relationship with Gayle King" rumors to the...less favorably anticipated possibility that she was going to announce another ten-year run of her talk show.

Finally, on Monday's program (actually several hours earlier if you spend any time on the Internet), the world received the awesome news. What was this "miracle?" What stunning announcement was forthcoming from the Queen of Television and arguably the most powerful woman in the world?

She has a half-sister.

While the discovery of an unknown sibling is pretty exciting (doubly so for the woman, only revealed as "Patricia," who just found out she's related to a billionaire), it hardly counts as headline-worthy material for the rest of us (they distracted me from Kim Kardashian's latest bikini shoot for that?). And so I came up with a few ideas for secrets Oprah could have revealed that might actually have been deserving of all the hype.

5. She's Becoming a Scientologist

Would this really be that surprising? Plus, it'd be a nice career arc: from one of the most successful television programs in history to Operating Thetan Level VIII in less than a month. Tom Cruise already practiced his eldritch magic on her back in 2005, and who's to say it didn't finally take hold? I don't envy her the ensuing conversation with Maya Angelou, however.

4. She's Secretly Married...to the Situation

You snooze you lose, Stedman! She's been waiting for you to make an honest woman of her for decades, man. And while you were hemming and hawing and letting her ripen on the vine, who should swoop in and win her over with his six-pack and charming habit of referring to himself in the third person? Frankly I'm surprised it took this long.

3. She Was the Wikileaks Source

Do the math: Winfrey travels across the globe visiting dignitaries and local officials, and has access to the highest levels of the American government. Only someone with that kind of access and the resources to put together such a formidable library of documentation (with the help of figurehead Julian Assange) could have done such damage. To believe otherwise is to accept as fact that a U.S. Army PFC could download and distribute over 250,000 diplomatic cables -- as well as classified airstrike videos -- with no security or oversight. And that would be fucking terrifying.

2. She's from the Future

Be honest. If you were from the 24th century or whatever and had the ability to travel back to any point in time, would you really just kill Hitler? Or would you use your knowledge of American media history to position yourself to take advantage of our obsession with "confession television," earning billions of dollars and becoming one of the most influential human beings on the planet? It's okay, there's no judgment here.

And I'd just like to point out that this and #5 are not mutually exclusive.

1. She's Turning Herself White

I guess we never realized how hard being the world's first (and only) black, female billionaire must be.