Hard Freeze Tonight: The Only Tips You Will Ever Need (As Long As It Stays Warm)

Don't forget to wrap your icicles

​There are hard-freeze warnings for tonight in the Houston area. That means Houston must brace itself for an overwhelming barrage of tips on how to deal with temperatures in the 20s, or maybe the very low 30s.

There are tips like the first one on KHOU's list, which says in toto: "Keep warm, stay inside if possible."

In terms of tips on fighting cold weather, you must admit that one is a keeper. But telling people to "keep warm" is not, amazingly, the be-all and end-all of Houston cold-weather tips. We offer ours:

(Note: These tips are not guaranteed at temperatures under 45 degrees.)

5. Wrap your pets, or your pipes, or your plants or something
All we know is that every time a hint of cold weather threatens Houston, news reporters start throwing the word "wrap" around a lot. We're usually too busy rolling our eyes to get the further specifics on what needs to be wrapped, so we advise just going ahead and wrapping everything in sight, like Christo or that TV ad for something that features orange sheets cascading down buildings, with tiny print saying Christo had nothing to do with this.

4. Stock up on water, batteries, plywood and nonperishable foods you wouldn't eat on a bet
This will increase your chances of getting interviewed at the store by a TV news crew.

3. Go ahead, light a fire in that fireplace you haven't used in years
This tip brought to you by the Association of Companies Who Clean Up After Fireplace Disasters.

2. Be sure to watch the TV news
It's one thing to be told, "Keep water dripping in the sink" or "open any cabinet doors below the sink to let warm air in." But until you've actually seen a television reporter bending over to open a below-sink cabinet door, not to mention seeing B-roll of a dripping faucet, you will be hopelessly confused.

1. If you have kids, put a toy soldier or dinosaur in a pan of water outside
If you're lucky, the water will still be frozen in the morning and your kid can help save his toy from the icy trap which has befallen it.