The Ten Worst Movies of 2011...In Advance

Categories: Pop Rocks

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Oh, don't act surprised.
2011 is barely out of the oven and I'm already filled with dread. Could it be the fact I've spent the entire year so far coughing up chunks of green lung tissue? That I've finally despaired of ever finding a writing gig that doesn't involve "Lady Gaga sex tape" Google alerts? Or that we never got to say a proper farewell to Simon Cowell?

Or is it that I know it's as inevitable as a Philadelphia Eagles collapse in the playoffs that the coming year will once again bring a slew of terrible movies. Sure, they'll gross hundreds of millions of dollars thanks to people convinced they need to spend $14 a ticket to watch a robot turn into a car in 3-D IMAX, but in the meantime you're the one who just spent good beer money for a 90-minute lobotomy.

Will there be a few niblets of quality scattered among the cinematic offal? Probably. But that's not what I'm here for. Having reviewed movies for...several years, I have a keen ability to separate the bad movies from the good. Call it a "sixth sense," though more like ESP and not at all like that Bruce Willis movie I totally saw the twist to ten minutes into, but which my wife will claim I didn't get until we were walking out to the parking lot.

Here then are your preemptive worst movies of 2011. You're welcome.

Cars 2 -- June 24
The first Cars was easily Pixar's weakest film (and yes, I remember A Bug's Life), thanks to a lame plot, overabundance of fart jokes, and Larry the Cable Guy. This time around, Lightning McQueen and Mater travel overseas for a "James Bond style" adventure. Maybe Mater will opine about how stinky and cowardly the French are.


Transformers: Dark of the Moon -- July 1

No Megan Fox (replaced by Victoria's Secret model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley) means more Shia LaBeouf cowering in a doorway while giant robots whale on each other. Michael Bay's transformation into solid gold Homer is almost complete.


Justin Bieber: Never Say Never -- February 11

When I first heard the title, I assumed it was a remake of "unofficial" 007 movie Never Say Never Again (itself a remake, of sorts, of Thunderball). Bad as that sounded, this will be infinitely worse.


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Kwalley
Kwalley

What? No Adam Sandler?

Andréanne
Andréanne

Heuuu..?because it is a good movie 2 cars okay!

Kid_a_ok_computer
Kid_a_ok_computer

I REALLY enjoyed "Midnight in Paris." Great film. Best Woody Allen in years (maybe since "Crimes and Misdemeanors").

Medli
Medli

I loved Sucker Punch...it was kinda like Inception; dream worlds within dream worlds. One of those movies that you almost have to watch twice to get the full effect.

Sakash18
Sakash18

Turns out "Thor" and "Midnight in Paris" were among the best reviewed films of the year. You have no idea of what you're talking about in those two cases.

Staci
Staci

Really??? The Thing made this list? I'm actually equal parts overly excited/horrified, but I am definitely going to pay good money to see it, and probably opening weekend. John Carpenter's version is one of the best horror movies ever made, and you know how I love him, but the fact that its a prequel keeps me stoked, even if we do all know how it ends.

Kjsays
Kjsays

What??? They aren't through with that Twilight crap YET????

plum68
plum68

Honestly, Pete, I don't remember you anticipating anything as vapid as the Twilight movies when you (we) were young. The movies you looked forward to back then are cinematic masterpiece classics.

Kyle
Kyle

The new Transformers trailer is awesome, and I was really disappointed to find at the end of the trailer that it was a Michael Bay Transformers movie.

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