The 12 Stages of Facebook Addiction

social-network.jpg
No one is safe.
The Internet is addicting and there are studies to prove it. Once people get involved with watching videos of kids falling down, leaving overly harsh anonymous comments on news stories and reading about how Swiffer will kill your dog, well, it's just damn difficult to stop.

Social networks have no doubt increased the desire to be online. From Tweets about how many miles your friend ran today (she's so self-involved) to people you barely know on FourSquare checking in at bars you wish you were cool enough to patronize, the content is mesmerizing and let's admit it, you are hooked.

Worst of all is Facebook. Whether you are a tween posting quizzes on your friends' walls ("Would you make out with me?") or a bored retiree playing Farmville, there is something for everyone on "the book." It's hard enough to make it through all the status updates each day, let alone to visit all the pages and check out all the photos. In short, it's impossible to resist.

Hair Balls feels your pain and, in an effort to help you better understand and face your addiction, gives you the 12 stages of Facebook addiction. We promise that the first one is not, "Let go. Let Zuckerberg."

12. Animosity
You spend time Tweeting about how much Facebook sucks. You might even e-mail people and swear you would never join the "cult" of Facebook no matter how much fun they say it is. You tell old classmates they can easily find you on Classmates.com if they wish. You find the whole thing gross and you can't understand why anyone would waste their time on that stupid Web site.

11. Fear
The overwhelming amount of stories about Facebook and the saturation amongst your friends terrifies you. You wonder what is wrong with all these people. Maybe that cult joke you made isn't really a joke. Could this be the beginning of the zombie apocalypse? You must do some research so you can warn others of just how bad this place is.

10. Curiosity
You are about to go on a date and you Google the guy to see what he is like. The first entry is his Facebook page, so you begrudgingly click on it. You can only see a limited amount of information and the only photo is of his dog. What the hell? What is he hiding? You discuss it with him at dinner and he says he likes it and that he keeps much of his information private to avoid being stalked by crazy women. So, the date is a bust, but you are intrigued by this new data. You wonder if one of the founders of Facebook really looks like Justin Timberlake. To Google...

9. Confusion
Your research into a community that seems to have developed within Facebook has deepened and you ask all your friends to explain what "poking" is and why anyone would care about status updates there when they could just check Twitter. Your friends' answers are unsatisfactory and, as purely an experiment, you sign up, you know, just to see what it's like and be able to warn others against its evils.

8. Frustration
The sign-up process was fairly easy, but you have no idea how to work the interface. You upload a photo but can't understand where it goes when it is uploaded or why you have to crop it. You edit your profile to add your favorite music and TV shows, you have no friends to see it. Facebook seems flat and one-dimensional. Maybe this was a mistake. You feel alone.

7. Infatuation
Your first friend request is accepted. Sure, it's your mom, but it's someone. You do some searching now that you have the hang of this thing and find dozens of your friends online. Now, you're getting somewhere. You realize this could be a replacement for that twenty-five dollar monthly "gold" membership on Classmates.com. Another friend adds you and another. You've posted a few status updates and even gotten a couple "liked." You realize Facebook isn't so bad after all.

6. Elation
A couple cute guys "poked" you. You started playing Mafia Wars and Farmville simultaneously. You've uploaded party photos you took with your iPhone and tagged your friends. You're meeting people and commenting on status updates. You're posting funny videos of kids falling down and getting push notifications on your phone. Why did you ever think this place was so awful? You even met a nice guy -- a friend of a friend -- on Facebook and started dating. OMG, he wants you to agree that you are "in a relationship" with him. The little heart is adorable. You click "accept." The "likes" pile up.

My Voice Nation Help
14 comments
Sort: Newest | Oldest
IntegratedS
IntegratedS

Despite the fact social networking sites are very famous these days , it is quite true that it has become more of an addiction than of a just a way to interact with different people around the globe, these days these sites are also becoming very popular for marketing purposes as their audience is growing with every second…

Tramadol Addiction
Tramadol Addiction

Facebook was cool precisely because there were no ads; Zuckerburg had planned that making money was not his priority in the early stages of Facebook but producing a great product. I do think Facebook had majorly ...

Vivian
Vivian

Creepy, EVERYTHING on the list, I have done

Zack Frederick
Zack Frederick

Hi,

Nice post about Facebook usage. I just wrote an article summing up a whole bunch of different studies and surveys about Facebook addiction, the concept of frenemies, and why depression and other things affect heavy social media users.

Here’s the link if you want to check it out:http://wp.me/p1fNJu-cv

We’re also conducting a survey on Facebook usage, check it out here:http://bit.ly/h7lu7t

DefensiveFBQuitter
DefensiveFBQuitter

I know it's not about me, but in my defense, I never tweeted that Facebook was a stupid, shitty place for assholes... I just couldn't stand that woman commenting on every single blessed thing that my boyfriend does on FB. I started to feel like a crazy person. A nonjudgemental (except for regarding Valerie, who should be judged as the you-know-what that she is), pretty accepting, crazy person. Cheers, Mr. Balke, you nailed it.

Fatty FatBastard
Fatty FatBastard

Why are you writing this as a female?

Jeff
Jeff

Perhaps you are unfamiliar with the concept of second person writing. When I say "you," I don't mean "me." These are known as pronouns and they each have unique meanings. In the case of this post, the "you" I referenced was an assumed female. I chose a feminine "you" for no particular reason other than it felt easier to be catty in the feminine voice.

Dating Mr. Yuck
Dating Mr. Yuck

The worst is when you've been clicking around and all of the sudden you find yourself looking at the photo album of someone you don't know and think, how did I get here??? You look up and it's 2 hours later.

http://www.datingmryuck.com/bl...

Brittanie Shey
Brittanie Shey

"From Tweets about how many miles your friend ran today (she's so self-involved)"

Hey now.

Now Trending

Houston Concert Tickets

From the Vault

 

Loading...