Merry Christmas and 4 WTF Questions About Christmas Specials (w/ video)

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Yeah, my dad's kind of a jerk
First, I want to wish all of you a very Merry Christmas (or Festivus or Hanukkah or whatever you celebrate this time of year)!

It's definitely a time to be thankful, and I want to use this space to thank everyone who clicks on my stuff here on Hair Balls and especially those of you who are compelled to comment as well. Whether you agree with me or you think I'm a dipshit (or both), the feedback is very helpful and thought-provoking, a necessity for someone who also hosts a radio show.

I want to thank my 1560 family, especially my co-host John Harris. If you haven't heard the news, we are shuffling the deck on the lineup over at "The Game" and I will be moving to mid-days and doing three hours solo. It's a great challenge for me as hosting a show by oneself is considered one of the more difficult tasks to execute in the radio business. I'm honored that station management has the confidence in me to pull it off, and certainly if the formula works there are big things on the horizon for the show. (Note: 1560 The Game also shares ownership with the nationally syndicated Sporting News Radio network, so there are goals for my show. Put it that way.)

It's been a great three-plus years with my buddy Johnny, and he will actually now be doing the two hours before me (with the Pakistani Express, Raheel Ramzanali). All of the feedback on Twitter and email and in person has indicated that there are a lot of people sad to see "us" go, and to be sure it's bittersweet for me.

I've always espoused the point of view that in entertainment (or really any walk of life) we should always be asking ourselves "If we stopped doing what we do, would we be missed?" If the answer is "No," then what are you doing? Seriously.Be memorable. That's it, right?

Clearly, Johnny and I did some memorable things over the three years and became a big part of some people's drive home every day. Holding that spot down will be Travis Rodgers, former producer of the Jim Rome Show, and Travis will be great. But the e-mails and tweets saying that Johnny and I together will be missed are validation for a lot of what we did, and that's very cool.

I'm ridiculously excited for me and for the station to explore some new horizons and challenges. I hope that you will all follow me (or if you don't listen already, sample me) over to the 12-3 p.m. timeslot on 1560. 2011 is going to be a great year.

So let's send everyone into the holidays the right way -- by ruining some of the animated Christmas classics with actual real world questions. Sounds like a good way to spend a few minutes, right?

So without further ado, here are four WTF questions off the top of my head about some of the most well known Christmas specials....

CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS SPECIAL
Question: How in the blue hell does Charlie Brown's pathetic little twig of a tree go from a stick with a few pine needles to a plush, full-figured pine tree in like four seconds with the mere addition of ornaments and lights?

Underrated parts of this video -- the way all the kids completely vandalize Snoopy's doghouse to spruce up Charlie Brown's little dog shit tree. Also, the continued sexual tension between Lucy and Charlie Brown is apparent -- "He is a blockhead, but...um...he did get a nice tree." Whatever, Lucy. You know you want him.

HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS
Question: Where was PETA to control the fucking Grinch as he abused the shit out of his little dog?

And just where does tying antlers to his head and making him pull roughly two tons of Christmas gifts on a sleigh up a 45 degree steep grade rank on the Vick Pet Abuse Scale? It's not electrocution or drowning, but it's not far off. Pooch should have taken a swift bite out of the Grinch's lime green ass.

FROSTY THE SNOWMAN
Question: What the hell did Karen tell her parents when she got home?

I don't know, I was never an eight year old girl, but I do have a daughter. If she had told me that she was missing for an entire day because she spent the day at the North Pole trying to rescue a talking snowman from an evil magician, she would have been in a straitjacket before midnight mass.

RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER
Question: Why was Donner such a fucking prick? Seriously, worst dad ever?

So your kid has a distinctive feature that makes him a little different so as a parent, what do you do? Well, if you're Donner naturally you cover up that blemish with a fake nose that not only makes the kid feel like shit, but also severely impacts his ability to breathe. Nice parenting. Say what you will about Cecil Newton, but if he were Rudolph's dad, Santa would have been cutting a $200,000 check to have him lead the sleigh through that snowstorm. Fuck you, Donner.

Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 3-7 p.m. weekdays on the "Sean & John Show" and follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.


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