Today Is Baylor Day In Houston. Act Accordingly

Baylor Day comes with certain rules

It all has to do with the Texas Bowl, in which Baylor is making its return to post-season football after a long absence. (If you're aware of how difficult it is not to make college football's post-season, that absence is a significant accomplishment.)

Former Governor Mark White will present the honors at the tailgate party this afternoon.

So, Houstonians, how does one behave on Baylor day?

5. Worship Ken Starr
Sure, most of us think of Ken Starr as the fanatically partisan prosecutor who blindly danced to the orders of Tom DeLay's right-wing chorus in his long, expensive and fruitless investigation into every two-bit conspiracy theory against Bill Clinton.

Not today, though.

Today Ken Starr is a noble president of a respected institution of higher learning.

Tomorrow you can go back to thinking of him masturbating to tales of Monica Lewinsky and cigars.

4. Thou Shalt Not Dance
We all know Baylor has grown into a modern, space-age college and is no longer shackled by the repressive Baptist beliefs under which it began. So, with a nod not only to the school's flexibility but the inherent funk factor of its student body, this commandment has been modified to Thou Shalt Not Dance Well.

So Houston, today only limit yourself to wedding-reception level move-busting.

3. Drink Privately
In the comfort of your own home, where God can't see you, apparently.

2. Delude yourself that you're a big-time football program
UH alumni should find this easy to do.

1. Pretend for just one night that you're in Downtown Waco and go wild.
But be home by 10.