The Dallas Cowboys' Monster.Com Listing For A New Coach

Apply at Valley Ranch

The Cowboys offer a beautiful training facility in suburban Dallas where no one has been horribly injured in a wind storm in well over a year; our home games are played in a magnificent example of ostentation and crassness. The job includes travel all over the country, and comes with a guarantee that you will be able to enjoy the Super Bowl from the comfort of your own den.

MAJOR DUTIES AND RESPONSIBILITIES
The head football coach is responsible for carrying out every whim and passing thought that occurs to Jerry Jones. The successful candidate must make himself available by phone 24/7, most especially in the third quarter of games that are going badly.

The coach will be provided with all the players he needs to have his team perform at an exceptional level; any failure on their part to do so will be the responsibility of the coach, and not Jerry Jones.

The coach will also occasionally be called upon to shine Jerry Jones' shoes, should he feel like it.

Special Skills/Abilities Needed
As referenced above, shoe-shining skills are sometimes necessary. A good command of the various established methods of ass-kissing is essential. An ability to look at someone whose face is frozen by Botox overload, while acting like he's looking at an actual human face, is a plus. Other desirable skill sets would include such things as public relations, clock management and the ability to prevent Tony Romo from disappearing by mid-November each year.

Education requirements
Degrees from the University of Arkansas are preferred, but other, less glamorous degrees will be accepted also.

Core Competencies
-- Shoe-shining
-- Ass-Kissing
-- Saying "yes, sir"
-- Not being Jason Garrett
-- Being able to entertain a nation of Cowboy-haters each year by creating hope among the team's fans, and then having those dreams be cruelly crushed by utter incompetence
-- Fixing that whole Romo thing
-- Looking the other way whenever the latest free-agent star falls asleep in team meetings
-- Financial-planning skills so you will be prepared when you're fired four years from now