A Royal Pain In The Ass

I have to give our media credit; unemployment still hovering around 10%, cholera spreading to the Dominican Republic from Haiti, and terror threats abroad, and every morning news show has devoted a good 20 minutes of programming each of the last three days to the engagement of Prince William and Kate Middleton.

For a nation that likes to puff out its chest and hoot like gibbons about "liberty" and "freedom" every chance it gets, we sure spend a lot of time obsessing over the activities of the cretins whose outdated monarchy we shrugged off over 200 years ago.

Will the royal union be that much more compelling than the wedding of, say, Nick and Jessica? Spencer and Heidi? Will Queen Elizabeth II outlive William's regal aspirations as adroitly as she has those of her oldest son? More importantly, should any of us give a shit?

You guys all remember Charles and Diana's wedding, right?

Comparisons between "Waitie Katie" and her future deceased mother-in-law have already begun, and it's not really fair. Diana's work trying to eliminate AIDS and land mines will be hard to top, although Kate seems to have a leg up on the "liked by the royal family department." She and William also took a healthy nine years to take the plunge, as opposed to the six months of Charles and Di.

Their wedding was viewed by 750 million people. But that was back in the heady pre-cable TV days of 1981 when it was was inescapable. At least this time around there will be other options, like Sarah Palin's Alaska or an Ice Road Truckers marathon.

There's also been a lot of talk about keeping the ceremony a little less ostentatious this time around...European austerity and all that. However I expect all that to go out the window as we get closer to March 2011 and speculation about Vera Wang dresses and how many horses will be drawing the royal carriage reaches fever pitch.

None of the attention being paid should come as a surprise, of course. In the 29 years since William's parents wed, we've only become more obsessed with celebrity (even with those who barely earn the label) and the lifestyles of the rich and shameless. At least this time around we can look forward to thousands of fuzzy YouTube vids and breathless Tweets from onlookers some 300 yards from the action, and not that boring three-camera setup the networks had for Chuck and Di's ceremony.

Another thing to consider is that William is still third second in line for the throne. If the current ancestry continues their non-croaking ways, he may never be King, Which is why I'd like to offer my humble suggestion to Prince Charles: step down. Relinquish your claim. You're unpopular, you're weird, and your future subjects would rather see one of your sons (preferably the non-Nazi one) as King instead of you.

And if that doesn't work, I bet Will and Kate will find some way to occupy themselves.