Five Reasons Not to Shop on Black Friday

Ho Ho Ho! Merry Shopping Free-For-All!

​Every year around this time in the United States, we celebrate a day so important, so American that it brings people together like no other day can. Around 3 a.m. this Friday, bleary-eyed shopaholics will power into retail outlets all over the country in an adrenaline-filled stupor to grab the latest in toys, electronics and whatever else they can snatch from the unsuspecting hands a total stranger. We call that day Black Friday.

As American as it may be to literally climb over people in the name of rabid consumerism, we at Hair Balls would like you to consider an alternative and just say no to Black Friday this year.

We don't want you to stop shopping in some sort of anti-capitalist protest like Buy Nothing Day. We're just looking out for your safety, sanity and wallet this holiday season.

If you still aren't convinced, take a look at our list of five reasons not to shop on Black Friday and you will see we are right.

5. Lowers Your Chances of Being Trampled to Death

We may not live on Long Island and people here may be slightly more polite than these folks, but the heightened state of awareness brought on by the 30 triple shot espressos you had while trying to stay awake in line for 12 hours and praying to God you get your hands on that combination action figure-can opener-bass boat your little boy has been begging for since summer can create some, let's just say, problems. Avoid the crowds. Avoid the cleat marks. That's our motto.

4. Amazon Already Has What You Want...For Less Money

Best Buy may fool a bunch of lesser individuals into rushing the front door of a store at 5 a.m., but we know you are smarter than that. We encourage you to support local retailers, but doing so on Black Friday often means taking your life and your sanity in your own hands. For your own safety, you might consider a little online shopping outfit known as Amazon.com. Sure, they sell books for pedophiles, but they also have laptops, cameras, video games and uranium ore. When you factor in the cost of your dignity, online shopping is the smart choice.

3. Oprah's Favorite Things Won't Piss You Off

Not everyone gets the chance to scream, cry and piss yourself when Oprah starts yelling "You get a car! You get a car!" Not spending any money on Black Friday means you don't have to try and reproduce that thrill to your family members when you scream, "You get a Blu-Ray player that only cost me $30 because I was up at 3 a.m. standing in line at Fry's!" It just doesn't have the same zip to it.

2. No One Wants to Be at Wal-Mart at 3 a.m. for Anything

It's comforting to know that while most of us are safe in our beds, crime will have drifted far from our neighborhoods to the parking lots of Wal-Marts across the country. Perhaps no other store pulls out all the stops (and by "stops" we mean "security") for Black Friday than the retail giant, but it doesn't mean you should camp out in the suburbs to get a spot in line for a television because you might get into a brawl, which is pretty much what Jesus intended for celebrating the day of his birth.

1. You Won't End Up Broke

The most obvious reason not to hit the stores on Black Friday is money. Save it for hookers and blow, which are the gifts that keep on giving.