Foreskin Poetry & Song: Penis-Based Odes To What Is There, Or Gone

Categories: Cover Story
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T-shirts also speak eloquently
There's only one thing that can get Hair Balls more excited about all the Lady Gaga meat dresses we're sure to see this Halloween weekend, and that's foreskin. Or, more specifically, the 2010 "Pro-Intact" awards, sponsored by TLC Tugger, one of the country's leading foreskin-restoration companies. The company's motto? "Improving the World, One Penis at a Time."

Not that we're claiming any credit, but ever since our story on angry circumcised dudes who attach pullies to their junk in order to "regrow" their foreskin, circumcisions in this country have been declining.

And now TLC Tugger inventor Ron Low has started the "Pro-Intact Video, Song and Poetry Contest" -- and the winners will be announced Oct. 31. (You can see this year's entries here.)

It's hard (heh) to pick our favorite so far, but we're digging "A Field Guide for the Modern Uncircumcised Male," in which a succession of dudes walk out of the woods and talk about the sensitivity of their penis-heads. Sample quote: "I would recommend letting it out to breathe a little more if you can. Also, it's OK to let it dry out."

But we also dig Alex Wockna's poem, "Without Consent," not necessarily because of the quality of the writing (opening lines: "If I took your livestock/you'd be angry with me") but because Mr .Wockna has formed the text into the shape of a penis. Truly remarkable.

Winners will receive both cash and TLC$, which is store credit for stuff like the traditional TLC Tugger, or the new TLC Hangers, which are stainless steel weights (after all, "nothing tugs as consistently as the gentle hug of Earth's gravity.")

Unfortunately, it's too late to submit your own Ode to Regrowth, but it's never too late to think about next year's contest. After all, a chunk of foreskin is a terrible thing to waste.

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