Jose Luis De Jesus: Only 666 More Days Until He Becomes God, As We Understand It

Categories: Spaced City
joseluisdejesus090210.jpg
Jose Luis De Jesus Miranda: Takin' charge
You know who wasn't surprised by today's oil platform explosion? Jose Luis De Jesus MIranda, aka the Anti-Christ, aka Jesus of Missouri City -- that's who.

And there will be plenty more disasters in the two years before he transforms into "his majestic immortal body to govern the world," according to a press release

De Jesus Miranda will be interviewed from an undisclosed location September 3, the 666th day before his transformation; Houston-area believers will celebrate the occasion at Growing in Grace Ministry on Bissonnet. The interview will be broadcast simultaneously in 30 countries.

As always, Hair Balls was excited to hear about the countdown celebration from De Jesus Miranda's spokeswoman, Axel Poessy. (Although we'd be ecstatic talk to Poessy about pretty much anything, at any time). We were disappointed to learn that we'd have to wait until 2012 to see De Jesus transform, though, to which Poessy wisely pointed out, "Humanity has been waiting for over 2,000 years....what's another 667, when we've already waited...?"

And we were doubly disappointed to learn that De Jesus Miranda won't actually shapeshift into a serpent or eagle or whatever jungle creature it was that the first Jesus changed into whenever he got angry.

"Soon that Puerto Rican body will be transformed," Poessy explains. "...People will look at him and he will resemble his body," but he will have supernatural powers. (He'll be able to walk through walls, for example).

The countdown to transformation kicked off in 2008, when, following Scripture, it was announced that "the image of the beast will have power for 42 months," Poessy explains.

"It was written that he would be mocked and rejected by this generation, so that's why we're seeing presidents come up against him, people laughing, thinking he's just a regular man, you know. But soon that Puerto Rican body will be transformed." [Note: historical and theological scholars are divided sharply over whether certain passages in the gospels of Mark and John suggest that, in the second coming, "Yea, He will appear as one of Spanish extraction, but with an attitude of fire, like Juan Epstein of the Clan of the Sweathog."]

Poessy understands how some non-believers might think the whole thing is silly, but, she says, time will prove De Jesus to be the real deal. Unfortunately, there will be a shit-storm of calamity during that time.

"If you though Haiti was bad and Chile was bad...we'll see that creation itself will even be in more disorder," Poessy says.

Well, hey, it's only 667 days of more disaster and tragedy. We're totally willing to wait if it means we get to see some dude walk through walls.


My Voice Nation Help
2 comments
Sort: Newest | Oldest
Lars
Lars

It's amazing how you can juggle people's fantasies and imagination. Here is another one for you - if your next prediction of the end of the world does not come true, simply tell people that when they die, they are not aware of their death. They instantaneously migrate to a parallel universe, which is an exact replica of the first one, where they simply keep on leaving as if nothing happened. I got this from "The Twilight Zone" show. This should cover your behind because no one will be able to prove this idea otherwise. Implant this idea in the idiots'  heads as well. Why not? Who the hell gives a damn about them anyway!? I hope you enjoy your martini on the beach. You're totally worth it!

Kearth
Kearth

I think it's a lot easier to think of yourself as Jesus, if you actually do not believe in God's existence because, in this case, you are absolutely convinced that there won't be any consequences to what you try and make people believe. They'll simply believe in what you're trying to make them believe while still alive, especially if it makes them feel good and alleviates their pain, and when they die, they'll just disintegrate, and will never know who you truly were, or who they truly were.

If this Miranda is that smart, then I simply applaud him. So many people do these things anyway. 

Now Trending

Houston Concert Tickets

From the Vault

 

Loading...