I Wanna Be Your Dog (Or Cat): TV Pilot Edition

Hair Balls was excited to learn that one of its favorite old TV shows, Hawaii 5-0, is returning to the air this fall. That show's success was attributable not just to the swaggering awesomeness of Jack Lord and his haircut, but because the show included a certain timeless element that appeals to people from all walks of life and from all generations: hot Hawaiian chicks.

But while it's a no-brainer to revive a popular show, it takes real creativity and chutzpah to reboot a failed series -- something we're grateful these adoptable critters at the Bureau of Animal Regulation and Care have done for the fall season. The four-legged actors are starring in new versions of both popular and failed series -- we're hoping that an all-animal cast will translate into decent Nielsen ratings, for all involved.

As usual, thanks to Robyn Arouty for her stunning photos.


 
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Photos by Robyn Arouty

Gila in Wonder Pitbull

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Knee-high boots? Check. Red bustier and star-spangled blue shorts? Check. Golden lasso? Hells, yeah. While 1.5-year-old Gila might lack Lynda Carter's smoldering sensuality, she can fetch a tennis ball like no one's business. In the series premiere, she battles the villainous Former Owner Man, who has stolen the world's supply of douche, from which he draws his dastardly powers. Wonder Pitbull used to live in Former Owner's HQ, Douchebag Castle, until she was booted out because Former Owner had "too many" other dogs. Now she must bring him to justice and return home in time for a nice belly-rub.


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Tiger in Scarecrow and Mrs. King 

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You've gotta have serious acting chops -- or grande cojones -- to try to fill the shoes of the mighty Bruce Boxleitner, aka The Greatest Actor Who Ever Lived. But Tiger does just that -- in spades. Starring as a secret agent who accidentally comes into the life of the titular hausfrau, the 1.5-year-old plott hound/German shepherd mix will spend most of the first season trying to track down the elusive asshole who adopted and then returned him.

 






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Eva Blue in Dr. Quinn, Medicine Cat

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Dr. Quinn was one of our favorite sci-fi shows -- imagine a world where women can be doctors! -- so we're glad to see that such a striking 2-year-old Himalayan is bringing it back to life. In the debut episode, Dr. Quinn, who looks absolutely precious with her little kitty-sized stethoscope, must treat her owner, who's suffering from a rare, unpronounceable terminal disease that can only be contracted from having unprotected sex with multiple anonymous partners via a Diamond Shamrock men's-room glory hole. Will Dr. Quinn save her former owner in time? Tune in Friday night to find out!

 

 

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Patricia in Touched by a Welsh Terrier

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Your choices are limited when you're a 3-year-old stray; but when you're an angel, you can do anything. Perhaps that's why Patricia seems tailor-made for this role as a heaven-sent yenta who helps people in crisis. Think of it as the complete opposite of real life, where, if Patricia is euthanised, she ain't coming back.

 

 






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Tim in Kung Fu  

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A domestic shorthaired mix -- as well as a Shaolin monk -- Tim doesn't want to kick ass; he just wants to find his brother. But during his travels, the 7-month-old stray inevitably wanders across one form or another of injustice, and that's when he must delve into his years of training at the hands of his murdered mentor, Master Bedroom, and pull out his tuna can of whup-ass. The drama and action are just as intense as the original. Plus it stars a fucking cat.

 

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Lindsay in Murder, She Barked

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She may not have Angela Lansbury's authoritative, menopausal air, but 4-month-old stray newcomer Lindsay slides into this role like it was written just for her. Playing Jessica Fletcher, a border collie-terrier mix and popular mystery writer, Lindsay has a knack for showing up places where people wind up dead. While the series is mostly faithful to the original, critics have made hay of its adult content, presciently noting Angela Lansbury's stage roots and the fact that the Tony Award-winning actess had a strict no-doggie-style policy.

 




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Kathy, Ria and Mike in Three's Company

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What do you get when a down-to-Earth calico and a ditzy, bosomy gray tabby open their Santa Monica apartment to a girl-crazy red tabby who has to pretend he's gay? Laffs galore, that's what. When they aren't roller-skating along Venice Beach or sharing a pitcher at the downstairs bar, the Fancy Feline, they're getting into farcical mix-ups that often involve boobs. Pretty soon, everyone will know the names of these unknown 2-month-old strays. Come and knock on their door, yo.

 

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