Game Time: Colts vs Texans -- 5 Winners, 5 Losers

mattschaub091310.jpg
Photo by Marco Torres
The Texans didn't need a big day from Matt Schaub
​My 12-year-old daughter got braces last week. This made me feel really old. So how did I respond? Well, the same way that any self-respecting 41 year old with no money to buy a Harley Davidson but with access to a computer would -- I went to Twitter and started acting really juvenile.

How juvenile? Well, let's just say that on the morning of the next "biggest game ever in the history of Texans" yesterday I started a Twitter chant of all the Texans fans saying "F DA COLTS" (actually, technically on Twitter it was #FDACOLTS -- Twitter followers know what I mean).

Before we knew it, #FDACOLTS was the second-rated trending topic in Houston on Twitter. I don't know what was more telling as to how immature I actually am -- that I started the trend or that I was legitimately angry that it never passed #cartoonsiwillneverforget.

Whatever the case, it worked. Mid life crisis in full effect, and DA COLTS got F'd. F'd big time! There were winners and there were losers...here they are....


WINNERS

1. Tempo. Math dictates that if you win the coin toss, you should take the ball to start the second half, as mathematically it gives you a chance at an extra possession. However, really good offensive teams sometimes take the ball to start the game to dictate tempo and get out fast. The Colts did this yesterday. To me, the story of this game was the beginning of both halves -- the Colts took the ball to start the game and the Texans forced them to go "3 and out," the Texans took the ball to start the second half and held it for nearly EIGHT minutes and ran it down the Colts throats. The end.

(NOTE: Regarding the opening coin toss, my suggestion to the Texans would be, in order to save some time, just announce the three or four guys on the team who aren't captains. It takes too long to list the 40 guys who are. Seriously, that many captains, guys? Damn.)

2. Arian Foster Fantasy Owners. I've been telling my friends in other parts of the country throughout training camp that the only running backs they should definitively put ahead of Arian Foster on their fantasy rankings are Chris Johnson, Adrian Peterson, Ray Rice, Maurice Jones-Drew, Ryan Mathews and maybe -- MAYBE -- Frank Gore. Arian Foster is next. Now I know which of my friends listen to me -- the ones that sent me thank you emails this morning. So if you're a friend of mine, take note -- marital advice? Probably not so great. Fantasy running backs? Gotcha covered.

3. Vonta Leach.
The 1560 studios have been undergoing a facelift since our little functional merger with Sporting News Radio. There is a wall that needs to be knocked down to build out the final studio. We have decided rather than spend thousands on a remodeling company, we're just going to give Vonta Leach a case of beer and a slab of ribs and have him run headfirst into the wall and cave the whole damn thing in. Saves time, saves money. Win-win.

4. The FCC. Ever since Justin Timberlake exposed Janet Jackson's shriveled-up raisin on the front of her breast, sporting events in general have been overly careful not to let any colorful language or content make it out on the air. (To wit, the cuts to five-second chunks of silence that happen during every NBA celebration.) Somewhere there was an FCC middle manager yesterday frantically trying to balance his budget, wondering where the next $200,000 is going to come from, and then Bernard Pollard dropped this beauty...


If the donkey who handles "informing Kubiak on replay challenges" for the Texans has a brother, he was handling the censorship "dump" button for CBS yesterday at Reliant.

5. PETA.
PETA (the People for Ethical Treatment of Animals, if you need them) seeks one thing -- attention. I don't know if Kevin Kolb hates animals or if he has a pack of fluffy toy poodles that curl up at his feet each night -- I am pretty sure Kolb hasn't bankrolled his own dog-fighting empire (complete with in-house drowning and electrocution chambers! Why outsource it?). Michael Vick, on the other hand, has. He's also about to take Kolb's job as the starter in Philly. Business is about to pick up for PETA (and their travel agency).

LOSERS

1. Colts manhood.
 The Texans had three scoring drives in the second half of yesterday's game, all ending in Arian Foster touchdowns. The drives went like this -- 15 plays, 66 yards (13 runs); 4 plays, 91 yards (ALL runs); 7 plays, 41 yards (ALL runs). That's 26 plays, 24 of them runs. No gimmicks, no frills. Just a completely emasculating dressing down -- part exorcism, part ass-kicking.

2. Connor Barwin. Since moving back here in 2007, there have been three mortifying moments in the press box, where there's been a palpable "OHHHH..." followed by lots of hands over faces and praying -- Cedric Killings going down in a heap on kickoff team with a neck injury (like a week after Kevin Everett's injury), the time Barry Warner showed up for a game wearing shorts, and Barwin's foot getting turned sideways yesterday. The most amazing thing to me about the Barwin injury -- the fact that he rode off on the cart with a look on his face like he scraped his knee or maybe got a splinter. Sorry, the other 99.999999 percent of us would be crying like Chris Crocker after a Britney Spears hack job in Us Weekly.

3. Followers of @NotGaryKubiak on Twitter. If you're a Texans fan on Twitter and you're not following @NotGaryKubiak, you're missing out. It is an homage to Kubiak's tendency to put the burden of every loss on himself and not the "kids" in uniform. It's pretty awesome all the time, it's REALLY awesome when the Texans lose. If some of the fallout of the Texans winning games is losing the maximum humor value in @NotGaryKubiak, I'm not sure I'm ready for good football in Houston. A sacrifice, to be sure.

4. Gamblers. Not because we they have a problem, but because nobody caters to gamblers in the play-by-play community (except the occasional veiled reference by Al Michaels or Brent Musberger). What I mean is this -- a majority of the people watching games generally fall into three categories: fans of one of the two teams involved and degenerate gamblers. The first two groups have their own announcers to paint the picture appropriately and maximize their watching/listening experience. Why not a group for gamblers? How great would it have been to have, say, me on play-by-play with, say, Paul Hornung on color going ape-shit crazy over the Houston Cougars final touchdown against UTEP to make the score 54-24...and put the total points scored over the posted total of 75. I've frankly stood on the sidelines long enough watching the persecution of gamblers; you smokers out there who have been kicked to the curb and asked to go do your thing out in the alley know how we they feel.

5. Alex Barron. Nothing like having a Florida State (fresh off a 30-point shellacking at the hands of Oklahoma) visor tipped sideways on your head during the introductions on Sunday Night Football and then going out and having a performance so bad that Peter King is calling you a "disgrace" on his Twitter feed. Dallas is in trouble.


Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 3-7 p.m.weekdays on the "Sean & John Show" and follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.

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