Game Time: 10 Commercials Almost As Creepy As The Brown Hand Center Ads

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You think THIS is creepy?
​So Michael Brown and his self-named hand center (which, given his propensity to slap women around, may or may not be the front for some kind of sick wife-beater's dojo) are back in the news.

The disturbing back story for this guy has been well chronicled over the last few years on this very website, with the latest coming this week as (irony alert!) the good doctor's hands got him in trouble again when he used them to allegedly administer another beating on his spouse.

I'll leave it up to the other writers here, the readers, and society to deservedly pick away at the criminal elements of Brown's carcass. To me, Michael Brown will always be the patriarch of the creepiest commercial on television. (And to be clear, it's a creepy ad even if the dude had a spotless arrest record.)

In honor of the likely hiatus of the Brown Hand Center spots from television for the foreseeable future (legal bills can be expensive), I give you ten commercials that give the BHC ads a run for their money on the creep-o-meter (heretofore referred to as the "Brown-o-meter".)

1. FIRST EVER RONALD MCDONALD COMMERCIAL
Message Attempted: "Clowns are happy, this clown's eating a burger, therefore our burgers will make you happy!"
Message Accomplished: "Even clowns who act like they just woke up hungover are scary."

Footnote #1: I like how they flip the lights on and Ronald reacts like he just got caught jerking off to some Mayor McCheese porn.
Footnote #2: McDonald's has always been viewed as some sort of marketing juggernaut, and I guess the proof is in their longevity and brand awareness. That said, you can spend a week on YouTube looking at old McDonald's commercials that make you ask "What in the blue hell were they thinking?"


2. ROBOT DURACELL COMMERCIAL
Message Attempted: "Our batteries last longer than anyone else's!"
Message Accomplished: "What the fuck was our fascination with human lookalike robots back in the 1980's? Max Headroom thinks this commercial is jacked up."

Footnote: I honestly think you could take Michael Brown's sedated wife, spray some lacquer on her face, and replace the mother in this commercial with her and not skip a beat.


3. ORVILLE REDDENBACHER
Message Attempted: "Our popcorn is light and fluffy!"
Message Accomplished: "Dead people don't make me want to buy shit!"

Footnote: This was the first commercial that the Orville Reddenbacher folks released after he passed away in 2007. I like how the producers casually mix in an mp3 player (a 2007 staple, of course) to send the message that "No this is really him today, not some hologram from 1986!" Very subtle.


4. SHASTA
Message Attempted: "Drink Shasta, it's what cool people do..."
Message Accomplished: "Drink Shasta, it's what gay men do..."

Footnote: I'm pretty sure this is iron clad evidence that cheesy `80's commercials were a gateway to the porn industry back in the day. Actually, porn industry and Melrose Place.


5. JIMMY JOHNSON EXTENZE
Message Attempted: "Women like dudes who are hung like a blue whale."
Message Accomplished: "No shit, Sherlock."

Footnote: Somewhere Barry Switzer is pouring himself a Jack on the rocks and cackling "What a fucking pussy!"


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