LeBron James: Five Reasons Why He Did Not Choose Houston

Why LeBron said no

​Despite what we thought were pretty compelling arguments yesterday, LeBron James did not announce last night that he will become a Houston Rocket.

We blame the Children's Museum. And the Astros.

Still, we're not bitter; we're analytical. And we have determined the five reason why LeBron chose not to come here.


1. Our mayor is gay. Lesbian, technically. Very, very impressive preachers of the word of God warned us of the dire circumstances that would follow if Houston was to be so sinful as to elect a lesbian, and it turns out they were right. Truly, He is a cruel God. And apparently a homophobe.

2. Tar Balls hit Galveston Island. For LeBron, the decision didn't come down to money. It came down to beaches. Where could he go that would have the most beautiful seascapes, Miami or Houston? Obviously, Houston. But then the damn tar balls turned up on the island, and there went any chance of him being a Rocket. Just wait until the Gulf currents take that oil around the tip of Florida, big boy. You'll be sorry.

3. He was kept waiting outside of a Washington Avenue bar for hours while white people were allowed in. Unfortunately no one explained to him that it wasn't because he was black, per se, it was more of a height thing. And as regards his 5-11 friend who also was not let in, it was the dress code.

4. Our border with Mexico is not secure. In Cleveland, they knew how to keep the Canadians out.

5. Planned to open The Church of LeBron in the old Compaq Center. When he found out Joel Osteen got there first, we were out of the running.