Game Time: Bryan Colangelo Calls Chris Bosh A Pussy

chrisboshcover.jpg
Chris Bosh, hit from all sides
Right now, the Miami Heat are 0-0 in the 2010-2011 season. We've learned nothing about them from a basketball standpoint. At this point, all we know is how this new marriage made in hell has been processed emotionally -- by jilted fans, jilted teammates, and jilted former employers.

To assess, Dwyane Wade is clearly made of teflon in this whole thing. His 2006 championship ring has essentially given him "made man" privileges to the point where he has immunity even when invoking the aftermath of 9/11 as part of a basketball analogy. Clearly, for a full Wade heel turn, he's going to have to do something out-and-out Roethlisbergian.

As for LeBron, the more I watch footage and snapshots from The Decision and the subsequent welcome party, the more LeBron looks like someone who has totally lost his sense of self. He has the body language of someone who is asking himself "What the hell did I just do? What did my boys get me into?" To be clear, LeBron is still despicable, but I kind of feel sorry for him.

Frankly, of the three entities comprising the three-headed LeDwyane Bosh monster, Chris Bosh easily comes across as the biggest douche bag of the three.

Douche forensics on Bosh...Exhibit A, the primal Bosh scream at the outset of the video; Exhibit B, the close-up camera primp at the 2:00 mark. Utterly hate-able.


Okay, let's break this down -- Dwyane Wade has a ring, and is a consensus top five player in the league. LeBron James, even for his post-season failures the last couple years, at least has a couple MVPs and a trip to the Finals. In short, both of these guys deserve a little "look at me" time -- granted, not a one-hour ESPN infomercial shattering the collective self-esteem of an entire city, but a little exclusive attention? Sure, have at it, Wade and Bron.

But, honestly, what the hell has Chris Bosh ever done? 20-10 guy for a team that finished over .500 once in his entire Toronto career, that never won a single playoff series. Yaaayyy!! (sarcastic clap included)

Wade carried a bunch of slappies to a title. LeBron carried a bigger bunch of slappies to consecutive 60-win seasons. And now Bosh carries their bags, a highly paid lackey who can't do the heavy lifting himself.

The good news is that LeBron's and Bosh's former employers are not content just to flip their Facebook pages to "The Cavaliers/Raptors are now single" and let everyone comment on it accordingly. Before the shot clock could even expire on LeBron's "decision," Gilbert went delusional gangsta all over LeBron (with a gun-spraying Comic Sans bullets, no less) in a diatribe that made the Alex Forrest-to-Dan Gallagher threat tape in Fatal Attraction look like a valentine. He basically called him a turncoat, a traitor, and a quitter. The only thing missing was a big size-36, Comic Sans "I WILL NOT BE IGNORED, LEBRON..."

And now it's Bryan Colangelo's turn to whack away at Chris Bosh.

If you missed it, on 590 The Fan in Toronto on Monday, the Raptors' general manager said that Bosh chose to sit out several games down the stretch last season, despite the fact that the team was battling for the eighth seed in the Eastern Conference playoffs:

Despite limited swelling and any excessive damage on an MRI, he felt like he needed to sit for six more games. I'm not even questioning Chris' injury. I'm telling you he was cleared to play subject to tolerance on his part, and the tolerance just apparently wasn't there and he chose not to play.

OUCH.

If Dan Gilbert's letter was the work of a delusional, impulsive maniac, Colangelo's was a surgical, high-precision, serial killer style strike.

"The tolerance just apparently wasn't there and he chose not to play." Colangelo didn't call Bosh a traitor, he didn't call Bosh a quitter. Bryan Colangelo called Chris Bosh a pussy.

I mean...WOW. Awesome.

I think at the time, even people who had no rooting in the Cavaliers felt Cleveland's pain on that fateful Thursday night when LeBron decided to go play for "South Beach," so we all loved Dan Gilbert's letter at the time it was posted. Then once you sleep on it and assess the damage (and allow cooler, smarter heads like Adrian Wojnarowski's to prevail), you realize that Gilbert is as much to blame for the outcome as anyone.

Colangelo's scud toward Bosh feels more grounded in truth than emotion -- Chris Bosh had checked out from Toronto and frankly, Bosh as the centerpiece alpha dog wasn't working (a view I had been espousing for some time, including right before this past season.)

In fact, maybe we need to Tale of the Tape this thing...

TALE OF THE TAPE, Jilted Lover's "Good Riddance" Category

DAN GILBERT, Owner-Cleveland Cavaliers vs BRYAN COLANGELO, General Manager-Toronto Raptors

METHOD OF COMMUNICATION

GILBERT: A post on the Cleveland Cavaliers' team website addressed to his fans that was a cross between a jilted husband on Cheaters and a drunk at 3 a.m. whose order got screwed up at the McDonald's drive-through. (Have I mentioned it was done in Comic Sans font?)

COLANEGLO:
A local radio show, so it was done in an audible fashion with no need for annoying ALL CAPS sentences and strange indentation patterns. Much easier to convey emotion.

ADVANTAGE: COLANGELO. Comic San is a dealbreaker.

TIMING OF COMMUNICATION

GILBERT: Gilbert committed the classic sin of typing the proverbial angry email and NOT sleeping on it, instead hitting opting to immediately hit "SEND", possibly with a sledgehammer.

COLANGELO: Colangelo waited a couple weeks for the world to realize what a poser Bosh is, and then tagged himself in to drop the People's Elbow on him for the finish.

ADVANTAGE: Slight edge to COLANGELO. Gilbert gets points for entertainment, Colangelo more points for effectiveness.

OVERALL ENTERTAINMENT VALUE OF CONTENT


GILBERT:
A myopic meandering the likes of which we've never seen from someone in a position of that much authority. The guarantee of a championship (with a team now built around Anderson Varajeo) was the money shot.

COLANEGLO:
Much more business-like in delivering a similar message. Basically, it was Gilbert's message if you added syntax, subtracted the title guarantee, and attached breasts and a vagina to LeBron.

ADVANTAGE: GILBERT. One of the great all-time rants, I haven't been that entertained by an insane person since I saw a homeless dude dancing in the breakdown lane on 59.

AFTERMATH: The Cavaliers are now built around Mo Williams and Varajeo. Colangelo at least recovered slightly by unloading Hedo Turkoglu's deal and getting a nice trade exception. I guess we'll declare Colaneglo the winner, but let's face it, when it comes to perpetual lottery teams, there will be no winners.

Honestly, don't we all feel a little dirty now in Houston getting on our collective knees for Chris Bosh?

Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 3-7 p.m. on the "Sean & John Show" and follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.

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