World Cup: 25 Things An Outsider Learned

Categories: Soccer, Sports
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What? No "Heil Shitler" headline?
With the U.S. soccer team defeat to Ghana on Saturday, I thought I would note some things I noted from the World Cup this year.

1. From my readings on the internet and twitter, it appeared that the U.S. soccer team was coached by Gary Kubiak. The team had bad first halves. There were multiple defensive lapses and questionable roster exclusions.

2. As bad as baseball umpires can be, they still appeared to be much better than soccer refs.

3. And as backward and tradition-bound as baseball is, at least it's making use of modern technology like replay to overturn some bad calls.

4. It is hard to fully embrace a sport that encourages flopping, diving, and faking injuries in order to stop play. Especially since the clock doesn't stop.

5. How anticlimactic is it to see the clock reach 45:00 or 90:00 and yet the teams still keep playing because no one really knew how much time was left on the clock?

6. It is probably just me, but no world-wide championship event should have teams advancing to another round because they were able to tie two games.

7. Seriously, after watching countless shots fly wide of the nets, I can't be the only one who was thinking that Houston Texans' kicker Kris Brown had decided to play soccer for his new career

 8. I mock soccer, but at least in soccer, unlike in American football, they really do use their feet on the ball most of the time.

9. Hey, that's an idea. Maybe we should flip the names so that soccer in the U.S. becomes football, what it's known as around the world, and American football becomes known as soccer. Maybe then soccer really will become America's sport.

10. The French really are cheese-eating surrender monkeys, aren't they?

11. I think we can safely add the vuvuleza to the list with the Thunderstick as the most annoying things ever allowed inside a sporting venue.

12. That said, knowing how the Houston Texans love to rip off things from others, I would expect vuvulezas to be handed out before the Texans home opener versus the Indianapolis Colts with the goal of distracting Peyton Manning.

13. The vuvuleza will be deemed a success by the Texans after Manning is only able to dissect the Texans defense for three touchdown passes instead of his usual five. The Texans will still lose since, this being a Gary Kubiak-coached team, they will do their best impression of the U.S. soccer team and fail to show up for the first half.

14. U.S. soccer coach Bob Bradley should probably be happy he wasn't coaching Columbia's 1994 World Cup team.

15. The North Korean soccer team failed to follow the successful formula developed by the Cuban national baseball team. Other countries will only pay you millions of dollars to defect if you're a good player. They ignore bad players on bad teams.

16. I probably watch too much hockey, so...with the score tied 1-1 and time supposedly running out on the clock, is it not possible to pull the goalie and add an extra attacker?

17. It's nice to see that Dean Smith's four corners stall offense can be applied to turn any sport so that watching concrete dry suddenly becomes the most exciting thing on the planet.

18. Speaking of all of the divings and flopping about on the grass...I haven't seen that much overacting since Al Pacino's last movie.

19. At least there's one guy on the U.S. soccer team who was able to score.

20. Now maybe ESPN will return to broadcasting some legitimate sports programming, like the World Series of Poker.

21. Seriously, poker makes NASCAR look like a real sport.

22. The Brits seem to be taking their departure from the World Cup in stride.

23. Hey U.S. soccer fans -- all 10 of you -- take solace in this: we're better than the French.

24. Thankfully, it's only four more years until we again have to pretend that soccer is relevant in the U.S.

25. And this just in...while you've been distracted by soccer, the Astros have continued to suck.

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