Seagram's Gin 2011 Calendar: How To Get In It
|Pimping Seagram's worked out well for this guy|
According to a press release, "selected models will be compensated in the amount of $500 [and] receive a 4-night/3-day stay at an exclusive Tampa Hotel....Models will also receive a full style and image makeover from celebrity stylist[s] and so much more." So much more?
What else could there possibly be?
No modeling experience is necessary, just good genes and/or cosmetic surgery and/or eating disorders. We checked out the 2010 calendar, and it looked great: all the good-looking women made us yearn for a stiff, absolutely mediocre gin & tonic. But if you're looking for a few pointers on how to distinguish yourself as a true "Woman of Seagram's Gin," Hair Balls has a few pointers:
1.) Show up drunk: There is no better way to express brand loyalty than by showing up at least three sheets to the wind, courtesy of a series of middling Seagram-based beverages. This will let the judges know that this isn't just a "gig" for you: average-tasting spirits are your life. (Take a cab or get a DD of course; we don't want a DWI standing between you and fame).
2.) Know your Seagram's history: In the mid-to-late '80s, only one man was awesome enough to be the face of Seagram's, or at least the mildly acidic, probably medicine-based Golden Wine Cooler, and that man was Bruno, as in Adventures of. You may know him better as Mr. Bruce Willis, harmonica-player extraordinaire, and that man put weird-tasting wine coolers on the map. Show up singing Bruno's jingle, and you're practically guaranteed a spot.
3.) Bribe the judges: You may think this is beneath you, but who are you kidding? Everyone does it. Just slip one of the judges a cool, crisp Lincoln, two Washingtons, and whatever spare change you can dig up from your ashtray, and you've given them enough for a bottle of that sweet Seagram's nectar. It's a sure thing.