Obama Assassination: It's Not Just For Geometry Anymore!

Official White House photo

Obama, we hardly knew ye, but your death will help us teach geometry

​A teacher in Alabama has been placed on leave after he used a hypothetical assassination of President Obama to teach his geometry class about angles.

On the one hand, the guy's just trying to get his kids' attention; on the other hand, Alabama is a state where campaign commercials include this guy.

The Secret Service investigated and found no credible threat to Obama, so it seems the green light has been given for incorporating kill-the-president scenarios into everyday lesson plans.

Given that the State Board of Education is meeting today and generating worldwide ridicule with proposed Tea Party changes to the public-school curriculum, we think Texas needs to step up to the plate.

BIOLOGY
Exactly what kind of damage would a high-powered bullet entering Obama's left frontal lobe do to his brain?

Students should describe how long bodily functions would continue, chances of survival, and how Obama's fatal injuries compare with that of his fellow socialist, Leon Trotsky.

Educational materials include a CSI-inspired video that tracks the bullet's path, plus tips from former Republican congressman Dan Burton, who shot at "a head-like thing" in his backyard to demonstrate some insane Vince Foster-murder conspiracy theory.

Most definitely NOT a part of the new curriculum

​MUSIC HISTORY
What are the appropriate songs to play at a presidential funeral, assuming that president has been violently shot down in his prime because God will not be mocked? (Hint: It's not rap or none of that there hippity-hoppers.)

Unfortunately, various very good reasons preclude teachers from using past political assassinations as a guide for their students: Both Kennedys were Democrats, for instance, and Martin Luther King, Jr....well, `nuff said. And Lincoln, unfortunately, opposed the Confederate leaders who are so misunderstood.

So to some degree the Obama-death lesson-plan unit for Musical History will not be much different from the new unit on Christian Hymns Are The Only Music You Need, but the SBOE says that's no problem, as long as teachers emphasize the Dead Obama angle.

SPANISH
Spanish will no longer be taught in Texas public schools, so this is a moot point.

GEOGRAPHY
Students will discuss the best and worst places for an Obama assassination. An example of a "best" place would be a godless Islamic country, because then we could invade and convert them.

A "worst" place would be a Southern state that strongly supports the Second Amendment, because the Liberal Mainstream Media would stereotype real Americans.

Other discussion topics include "Dallas: Too Soon?" and "Anywhere's Good, Really."

COMPUTER SCIENCE
Students will learn how long it takes the Secret Service to track down anyone using the terms "Obama" and "assassination."