Game Time: FREE BEER!...Now That I Have Your Attention, Behold My TEXANS HOME RUN DERBY Dream Team
|The thrill of Celebrity Home Run Derby|
Free beer will be served at Nick's Place on Friday, May 28. Well, to be clear, since there are probably legalities involved in a bar literally giving away beer, someone will be paying for the beer -- and that someone is my co-host John Harris. That's right, Houston, on the Friday before Memorial Day weekend, you can get your weekend out to a fast start by polishing off a cold one or five courtesy of John Harris during our live broadcast at Nick's Place.
Now, to what do you owe this act of kindness? Why is John Harris, a noted non-drinker, volunteering to purchase suds for all of you? Simple. Harris is going to lose a wager to me this afternoon, and the terms of the wager dictate that the loser purchases beer for our listeners on May 28.
Yeah, you read that right...Harris is GOING TO lose a wager. It hasn't happened yet, I'm just calling my shot. I'm THAT confident in the outcome.
This afternoon at Minute Maid Park, ten of your Houston Texans will gather for the annual Reliant Energy Home Run Derby. On the surface this appears to be a charity event (and it is), but admittedly it's fun to pretend that it's a de facto tryout with the winner getting a contract to play left field for the Astros. (Come on, like Eric Winston couldn't give you more than Carlos Lee right about now....hell, like a cigar store Indian couldn't give you more than Carlos Lee right about now.)
Ten Houston Texan players (Winston, James Casey, Matt Schaub, Chris Myers, Kasey Studdard, Zac Diles, Dan Orlovsky, David Anderson, Duane Brown, and Dominique Barber) will channel their inner 2005 Bobby Abreu and try to hit as many taters as they can. Ostensibly, the charities benefiting from the pending display of power are the Boys & Girls Clubs of Greater Houston, but really the winners are the listeners of 1560, who will have their first beers of the holiday weekend later this month paid for by John Harris in a few weeks.
Yeah, leave it to our show to take a charity event designed to benefit a bunch of children in the greater Houston area and turn it into a glorified prop bet where the prize is free alcohol. It happens. Here's how it went down -- Harris and I were rolling through the last segment of our show yesterday talking about the event, when we got into a slight debate over Winston's derby chops (he is basically the Prince Fielder of this event) versus James Casey's derby potential (he is...like...you know...an actual former professional baseball player).
Well, much like the words "You think you're better than me?" are a lock to come up before any fistfight in a redneck bar, go ahead and assume that as soon as Harris and I argue about something sports-related that the words "Care to make it interesting?" are about to be uttered, or at the very least implied. So it began -- in what started as a friendly gentleman's bet, I took Casey, Harris took Winston.
And then I upped the ante -- because it doesn't truly get "interesting" until you're showering free beer on the people, I proposed we have a draft of the ten players involved (five for me, five for Harris) and whichever group of five hits more home runs, that host is the winner. The loser has to foot the bill on a "Free Beer Friday" at Nick's on May 28.
The draft for Team Cablinasian (that's me) versus Team Let's Go Put The Film On, Bro (that's Harris) went like this...
TEAM CABLINASIAN -- James Casey, TE
TEAM LET'S GO PUT THE FILM ON, BRO -- Eric Winston, OT
ANALYSIS: Everyone, to a man, is telling me how stupid I am for not picking Winston -- my fellow 1560 hosts, hosts from other stations, my family, everybody. Seriously, people are trying to make me feel like Joe Dumars after he passed on 'Melo and D-Wade and to take Darko Milicic. Well, let me tell you people, I know James Casey and he is no Darko Milicic. He is Thor. Reco'nize, fools. ADVANTAGE: SEAN
TEAM CABLINASIAN -- Dan Orlovsky, QB
TEAM LET'S GO PUT THE FILM ON, BRO -- Matt Schaub, QB
ANALYSIS: Wow! A run on quarterbacks! You can see the strategy developing here -- quarterbacks are good at everything. Golf, darts, travel scrabble, marrying hot chicks, everything. Harris and I are both counting on their being good at baseball, too. Schaub may have thrown for almost 5,000 yards last year, but did he ever play for a Little League World Series team from Shelton, CT? Yeah, no need to look it up, the answer is NO, BITCHES! ORLOVSKY HAS! 2-0-3 REPRESENT, YO! U-C-O-N-N! ADVANTAGE: SEAN
TEAM CABLINASIAN -- Duane Brown, OT
TEAM LET'S GO PUT THE FILM ON, BRO -- David Anderson, WR
ANALYSIS: It was very tempting to go with D.A. here because he is a dear, dear friend to our show, but all I've heard since Amobi Okoye's charity basketball game is what a ridiculous athlete Duane Brown is. Also, Harris' rant on the selection of Duane Brown back in 2008 (complete with live impersonation of Brown's stance) and his subsequent 30-minute hiatus from our live show to watch Duane Brown college film (which, not surprisingly, Harris had copious amounts of on his laptop) remains one of the most memorable moments in Houston sports talk history. I'm hoping that Brown finds out about it and sees "Harris having to buy beer for hundreds of drunks" as proper motivation for the draft day slight. So yeah, I took Brown. Harris satisfies his Kubiak-esque CSU fetish, taking D.A. who is a pretty good athlete in his own right, and can impersonate Ron Jaworski to boot! ADVANTAGE: JAWORSKI HATERS!
TEAM CABLINASIAN -- Chris Myers, C
TEAM LET'S GO PUT THE FILM ON, BRO -- Kasey Studdard, G
ANALYSIS: Myers is a former winner of the NFL's Pass, Punt, and Kick and competition as a kid. While he will neither pass nor punt nor kick the baseball into the Crawford boxes, this little tidbit does indicate a level of athleticism that screams "FOURTH ROUND VALUE!!" Studdard's beard alone indicates a level of athleticism that screams "LUMBERJACK CONTEST!!" They say the good teams win in the late rounds of the draft -- well, I'm the freaking love child of Bill Polian and Ron Wolf right now. I'm KILLING it. ADVANTAGE: SEAN
TEAM CABLINASIAN -- Zac Diles, LB
TEAM LET'S GO PUT THE FILM ON, BRO -- Dominique Barber, S
ANALYSIS: Come to find out, these two fifth-round gems BOTH lettered in baseball back in high school. Diles was the right fielder for his high school team, and Barber lettered once in baseball in high school in Minnesota. (Barber also lettered twice in hockey, according to Wikipedia, and would have lettered all four years in Rock Band if it were around at the time, according to David Anderson.) I have to give the advantage to Diles, because unlike Rock Band (which is merely a video game), Diles' Texans bio said he played the ACTUAL saxophone as a kid, AND he was part of the P SQUAD, BITCHES....
...so yeah, he can light you up over the middle, take you deep into the Crawford boxes, drop some Kenny G on your ass, and then stand over you and freestyle rap. HEAVY ADVANTAGE: SEAN
So consider this an official "save the date" people. May 28. Nick's Place. John Harris is buying all of you fools some beers. And who knows...maybe we get the P Squad to come out and play live. I'm pretty sure Darius Walker is free.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 3-7 p.m. weekdays on the "Sean & John Show", and follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.