"iPad"? Really, Steve? Here We Go Again

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Photo by Alexia Tsotsis
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Steve, Steve, Steve,

Sigh. Stevie - darling, sugar, baby! We hate to say it, but we've had this conversation with you before. Remember your pussy fetish and the resulting "Snow Leopard" fiasco? Cluck, cluck, cluck. So do we. And now you've pushed your perverted agenda with the female reproductive system a bit too far.

Not only did you trample on our reliable friends Always, Tampax, and Playtex, but you laid claim to the only territory they could've ever secured in Web 2.0 Land, calling your fancy schmancy new tech absorbent device an "iPad." If we were attorneys for the aforementioned feminine products, we'd sue you for breach of masculinity. Web-savvy crotches of ladies the world over are extending a middle finger in your direction. Who knew that was even possible? You've really done it now.

Why all the vagina-variety vitriol? Oh, you know why. Perhaps 'cause you developed this fantastic contraption that does, um, a whole lot of nothing the iPhone doesn't do? And you further humiliated it by christening it with the powers of a digitized sanitary napkin? Look, we're Jobs disciples as much as the next techie, but mark our words - we'll never buy an iPad. 'Cause we ain't tellin' no one that we own anything called "an iPad" unless it's catching shedded uterine lining between our legs.

Yikes. That was nasty.

In the event that the iPad eventually sweeps and polishes floors, writes us love notes, takes out the trash, does the dishes, changes our oil, forsakes other women, or gives us cosmic oral and coital orgasms (you know, effectively morphing into the boyfriend we never had), we'll reconsider adding an iPad to our stash. But that's only if you promise to look into goin' down - to the courthouse, we mean - and legally changing that name.

As you've come to expect from us, Stevie, we've got a few more appropriate titles for you, sticking with your penchant for single-syllabic words following that beloved ninth letter of the alphabet:

Suggestion #1: iPeat. Okay, okay, hear us out on this one. You got your iPhone. You got your iPod. And then, your third essential fanboy product? The iPeat! Get it, three-peat, iPeat? Okay, we're not saying anything else without a trademark.

Suggestion #2: iDrone. Everyone's got an iPod, right? And real diehards have an iPhone. And in addition to that, maybe some have a MacBook or a MacBook Pro. Hell, the homiest of the Mac homies probably has an old iBook or PowerBook collecting dust in a cabinet somewhere. These are the ones that live and die by the Gospel of Jobs. This is your target. They don't technically need this newfangled piece of glass. Between their stripper gigs and selling counterfeit pharmaceuticals on the street to kindergarteners, they don't even have any extra cash anywhere. At all. And yet, it's so sexy. It makes their loins quiver. Steve, they probably excused themselves from their computers during your keynote to clean themselves up! What are they going to do with it? Hell if they know! What would Steve Jobs do? He'd buy it, that's what. So will they.

Suggestion #3: iHa. A-HA? Actually, iHA! No, not James. If this thing is such an invention, let people have their eureka moment every time they push that illustrious power button. It's an epiphany, you feel us? Fine, we won't quit our day jobs.

Think it over, yeah? Have your people get in touch with our people. We'll do organic tea and dark chocolate cake. 'Cause when it's that time of the month, we need so much more than lunch.

Yours On & Off the Rag,
Social Distortion


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