The Five Biggest Sex Scandals Of The Decade In Houston, All Unfortunately Not Very Sexy

Categories: Spaced City
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The Oughts have been a busy decade of people getting busy here in Houston, as perhaps every other decade has been. There's a reason the population has been booming, after all, and it's not all due to people leaving Detroit.

But some Houstonians have been shtupping where they shouldn't shtup, and that means Scandal. Not Tiger Woods-level scandal, of course; Houston doesn't roll that way. In fact, the decade's sex scandals here have been decidedly unsexy.

The top five:

5. The "Heidi Fleiss of Houston"
It was a gift from the click-generating gods when a Houston police officer uttered these magic words to a Chronicle reporter about the madam of some hooker ring here:  "She's the Heidi Fleiss of Houston."

Breathless reporting ensued, flush with every cliche ever trotted out -- "high-priced call girls," a "black book" allegedly filled with high-profile names which had prominent Houston men trembling in fear. The supposed list included, as these things always do, "pro athletes, doctors and lawyers."

The whole thing petered out quicker than Steve Carrell's first score in The 40-Year-Old Virgin. No "big names," and a hooker ring no where near the size or level of intrigue as Fleiss'. Yawn.

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4. Janet Jackson's nipple
This is pretty much all anyone recalls from the first Super Bowl to be held in Houston in decades -- a flash of some bizarrely be-medaled nip. America's youth apparently have yet to recover, and lawyers are still probably making money fighting the fines. But, ummmm -- sexy? Even Justin Timberlake doesn't look like he thinks so.

3. Roger Clemens and Mindy McCready
As if a steroids controversy wasn't enough to sully the memory of Houston's Roger Clemens wasn't bad enough, word came that the pitcher had had an affair with country singer Mindy McCready. Which should be hot, right? Two stars having sex?

Except Clemens was a lot older than McCready and McCready, to be kind, has had more than her share of problems. Instead of hotness, the affair just brought to mind a pampered athlete banging an extremely needy drug addict, and that's not really anything anyone wants to think about.

2. Annise Parker's candidacy
Not really a scandal, per se, unless you're one of the frothing fundies distributing outraged mailings about how the End of Days is approaching because the woman who might be the next mayor digs chicks. Having a lesbian mayor should be great for the imaginations of all of Houston's lonely men, right? They can imagine Her Honor working late on some budget matter, a comely young staffer stepping in to ask if there's anything she needs....cue the bass, break out the toys.

The problem is it's Annise Parker. She looks like your Mom. It's not her fault, of course, but if we're going to have a lesbian mayor, couldn't it be Portia de Rossi?

1. Chuck Rosenthal's e-mails
District Attorney Chuck Rosenthal's fall from grace came not from the fact that he had e-mailed people racist photos, or -- as news reports put it -- links to a "website showing unsuspecting women getting their clothes ripped off on public streets."

What really sealed his fate was the e-mail correspondence to a female employee. The married Rosenthal couldn't survive that. Well, that and the fact that his sworn testimony about his e-mails "had some problems," as they say.

If only the e-mails in question were hot. Instead we got a cross between Miles Standish and some Disney tween show. 

"The very next time I see you, I want to kiss you behind your right ear"? Oh, we're palpitating. How you do go on, Chuck.

"You own my heart whether you want to or not" ? Okay, professor.


Five sex scandals and not a decent one in the bunch. (We won't even go into The Astronaut. That mugshot still gives us shivers.)

We can only hope The Teens bring more entertainment. Please.
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