While You Weren't Tweeting: Mondays Still Suck

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​It's raining, it's pouring, it's really Monday morning. Wait, did you blink? Then you certainly missed the brief appearance of the sun, radiating invisible rainbows over our fair city. Is that a pleasant breeze whipping your tailfeathers 'round? Well, it's about to turn arctic; give it a second. Oh, say, giant glowing orb, you're back? Probably not for long. It is November, after all. While you won't hear any true complaints about this mild Texas fall, you probably will hear audible groans of another sort today.

Sigh. Get your head outta the gutter, pervert. It's just that it's, well, Monday, you know? It's most definitely a dreary Monday, and a moody one at that. And even though The Bangles were semi-successful in making Mondays sexy, there's a reason the '80s are dead and buried (unless you shop at American Apparel, that is). Coming off the heels of the loveliest weekend - weather-wise, mind you - in recent memory, a dragging start to the work week is certainly fitting. And try as you might, you can't possibly stay in bed with the blankets pulled up to your chin. Your boss is already keen to your inclement weather hijinks.

We know you weren't wasting your precious free days plopped in front of your computer monitor. At least, we really hope you weren't. 'Cause then we'd have to berate you, World of Warcraft whore that you are. And we're too exhausted (read: insanely hungover) to poke fun at you so soon in the day. If our vision is blurry, then yo, it's still early.

Like sands through the hourglass, so is the data of our lives.

  • Seduced by Verizon? Now you're really stuck. Did you fall for Verizon's new Motorola Droid a few weeks ago (which is, incidentally, still not an iPhone)? Then did you decide you've had it with Verizon nickle-and-diming your ass? Well, now you're screwed to the tune of $350 in getting outta that Verizon contract. That's right. Verizon smartphone users young and old were dumbfounded to discover the doubled fee as of November 15th. Boo-ya! Can you price gouge us now?
  • Britney Spears "gives herself to Lucifer every day." And she wants the world to end. Or so she said on Twitter last week. Okay, okay, so maybe Brit Brit's Twitter account was hacked. But we still want to believe that she's basking in the Glory of Satan. There's no other way to explain her brand of cuckoo.
  • No more lying about being a Size 6 for you! When people say that social media has gone too far, they must've been talking about the new Wi-Fi-enabled scale from Withings. Why? 'Cause it actually sends your body weight, lean and fat mass, and calculated body mass index to Twitter for all the world to see. Uh, yeah. That really happened. In related news, the inventor of said scale obviously does not own a vagina.
  • And you thought you were popular. Suddenly barraged with Twitter direct messages? It's not because everyone likes you. Sorry. Twitter's been suffering from an uncontrollable bout of direct message spam, and no one's account is safe from the germies. So how do you combat Twitter's perpetual case of the Mondays? Password change, but of course. And a shot of tequila. 'Cause tequila's good for everything. Except erections.

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