I Wanna Be Your Dog (Or Cat): This Edition Has A Cool Theme Song

Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to alleviate the Bureau of Animal Regulation and Care's crowded conditions while welcoming a loving, loyal, possibly slobber-ridden companion into your life. Attached are the photos of your primary targets. If you or any team member are caught or killed, the Secretary of Hair Balls will not only disavow any knowledge of your actions, but we will also kick your ass. This website will self-destruct in five seconds. Just kidding. Wouldn't that be nuts?

Photos by Robyn Arouty

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TARGET #1 SAMMY (A1005166)

Stats: Neutered, black/brown rottweiler mix, approximately one year old

Background: Stray

Special skills: Looking cute; quantum mechanics

Secretary's notes: Be especially careful of target's face, the cuteness of which has proven fatal in the past.

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TARGET #2 HONEY (A1007305)

Stats: Female black lab retreiver, approximately two years old

Background: Target's owner was key operative in the BI Team's nemesis organization, Deceptive Organized Underground Criminal Henchmen's Enterprise (D.O.U.C.H.E). When owner was captured, target was surrendered.

Special skills: Sniffing crotches; fluent in Portuguese

Secretary's note: Target possesses unusually wide, heart-melting eyes. Approach with caution.

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TARGET #3 RHYS (A1007589)

Stats: Male, black and brown German shepherd, approximately one year old

Background: Stray

Special skills: Ability to peer straight into your soul; blogging

Secretary's note: Target tested low-positive for heartworms. This does not mean target is unworthy of acquisition -- check out those fucking ears!

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TARGET #4 BRENDON (A1006304)

Stats: Male, black and white labrador retreiver, approximately two years old

Background: Stray

Special skills: Target possesses ability to look as if made out of chocolate

Secretary's note: Seriously -- how could you not adopt this freaking dog?

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TARGET #5 RIDGES (A0999774) ***TOP PRIORITY***

Stats: Spayed brindle rottweiler mix, approximately two years old

Background: Stray

Special skills: Breaking hearts; making people cry over the world's injustice

Secretary's note: Target tested high-positive for heartworms and is extremely depressed. Used to be more upbeat and active, but lately target has come to realize time is running out. The BI Team's chief photographer knew what she was doing when she selected #5 -- target is extremely valuable. Proceed with all deliberate speed.

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TARGET #6 CHRIS (A1007596)

Stats: Male, black/white labrador retriever, approximately five months old

Background: Stray

Special skills: Looking sullen; karate

Secretary's note: At only five months, target undoubtedly possesses plenty of energy and pizazz. Other things possessing pizazz include: lava lamps, acrylic nails, certain clowns, carpeted toilet seats, the Bedazzler, jumbo car-dealership advertising balloons, and David Bowie.

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TARGET #7 CASSY (A0995973)

Stats: Spayed tortie domestic, approximately six months old

Background: Surrendered by owner, a D.O.U.C.H.E. operative

Special skills: Cuddling; extreme irony

Secretary's note: Now that's what we call a cat!

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TARGET #8 DONNA (A0997386)

Stats: Spayed gray tabbie shorthair, approximately three years old

Background: Stray

Special skills: Chillaxin' on leopard-print cushions; dentistry

Secretary's note: Proceed with extreme caution -- target's eyes have been known to hypnotize.

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TARGET #9 MOMA (A1000257)

Stats: Spayed black domestic short-hair, approximately two years old

Background: Owner surrendered target when landlord discovered owner violated apartment complex's "No Asshats" clause and owner had to relocate.

Special skills: Sweetness; affection; certified tax-preparation

Secretary's note: Target has been known to pose seductively

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TARGET #10 DAVEY (A1001608)

Stats: Neutered tan and white domestic short-hair, approximately two years old

Background: Stray

Special skills: Being almost as cool as a dog

Secretary's note: Target comes with a $3,000 gift certificate to Best Buy*

*not true

As usual, no BARC Impossible mission could be achieved without the aid of BI Team Chief Photographer Robyn Arouty, whose skills brilliantly capture the targets' essence.