Pop Rocks: John & Nadya Plus 22

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Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease:

The gossip apocalypse has arrived: Jon Gosselin and Nadya Suleman will be going on a date.

The Jon & Kate Plus 8 star has reportedly agreed to appear in a cheesy new reality show in which he'll date Octomom Nadya Suleman, former Cheaters producer Bobby Goldstein told In Touch Weekly.

"I heard that Nadya has an insatiable desire to spend time with Jon and to put their families together," Goldstein said. "And I had the idea that this could be a very entertaining fiasco."

Though reps for both parties deny that any show is in the works, Goldstein says he will produce the pilot, called Jon - Kate = Jon Octomom, with a former producer of The Jerry Springer Show.

Okay, so this sounds like about ten tons of bullshit, but if not...jesus jones. The mind boggles.

If true, this should put to rest any lingering speculation that Nadya Suleman isn't a full-blown whack job, as the only people with any desire to be around Gosselin at this point are either clinically insane or his actual offspring, and apparently even they aren't too thrilled by the prospect these days.

But what's more surprising is Gosselin's apparent distaste for the idea:

According to a press release, cameras will follow Gosselin "as he contemplates what hooking up with Octomom could really be like. He's totally creeped out by the idea that if they got married, they'd have 22 kids."

To increase the creep factor, the plotline for the 33-year-old single mom reveals that she will be so obsessed with the octodad, "she's already talking openly about the two of them getting married."

This is a win-win for Jon. Not only does he get to stay in the media spotlight he so desperately craves (which would presumably come with ample compensation from whatever network is shameless enough to pick it up) and maybe even an endorsement deal with Ed Hardy, but he gets Suleman.

Oh sure, you and I might greet that news with a reaction usually reserved for when you wake up and find a six-inch tarantula crawling into your mouth, but she really is his dream woman. Lest we forget, Kate was a harpy, nagging Jon at every turn, mocking his parenting skills and diminishing his already unsteady manhood in the eyes of millions of viewers each week. Did he deserve it? Probably, but that's not the point. The point is that, in Suleman, Jon would finally get the woman he imagines he's deserved all these years.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but when a woman expresses an "insatiable desire" to spend time with you, that's usually indicative of a certain...eagerness to please. Jon was fond of lamenting the lack of intimacy in his marriage, and while I have a hard time figuring out when and where exactly they're going to be able to get biz-zay in a three-bedroom house shared with 14 (or 22, depending on visitation weekends) and a mother-in-law, that'd be just one of the fascinating aspects of the relationship to explore.

And let's be clear, I expect nothing but class from the producers of The Jerry Springer Show and Cheaters, a show that receives none of the acclaim it deserves (I consider the stabbing of Joey Greco second only to "Who Shot J.R." in terms of classic TV moments). I foresee plenty of night-vision footage and lots of [hopefully] blurred out naughty bits before all is said and done.

But why stop here? Why not resurrect some of our other annoying and long-forgotten reality personalities? Maybe Jon and Nadya could go on a double-date with Puck (from Real World: San Francisco) and Omarosa (season one of The Apprentice). Is Richard Hatch (Survivor: Borneo) seeing anyone? Maybe he'd like to meet Christian Siriano (Project Runway) for drinks. Wouldn't it be great to see all of these guys together in one place, enjoying their return to the public eye?

It would make it that much more satisfying when the bomb went off.

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