Twitter, Get Your Gun: Facebook Lite's in Your House

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​Oh, Facebook.  Facebook, Facebook, Facebook.  Sit down.  We needsta chat for a spell.

Looky here, Facebook.  So, yes, it's no secret that you're getting a bit pudgy, what with all the apps and the games and the quizzes and the incredibly confusing filters lining both sides of any given user's home page.  And frankly, your user interface menus over the past year or so have been, oh, how you say, reminiscent of another very popular social networking diet out there.  In plain English?  Nobody's the bigger fool than you when it comes to how grotesquely jealous you are of Twitter, and how desperately you want to capitalize on the popularity it steals from you.  Without paying for it, of course.  Oh, heavens no!  Copycatting works just as well, without any of the financial sacrifices.

But yo, you gots to level with someone, right here, right now.  Facebook Lite?!  No way, dude.  No. Muthaeffin'. Way.  You might as well have developed Twitter Plus.  Sure, the stripped down Facebook thing is nice -- you'll never see the results of any "What Flavor Condom Are You?" quizzes and the like (opportunistically, however, the ad bar remains plainly visible throughout!).  It's just, you see, what you've created and called "lite," Facebook?  IT'S ALREADY BEEN DONE.  By Twitter.  Remember Twitter?  Those folks practically invented microblogging.  And now you're trying to pull a Milli Vanilli and pass it off as your greatest performance yet.

It's rumored that this new design was slated to target countries with less bandwidth.  How humanitarian of you, Facebook!  Puh-lease.  Insert a few hearty guffaws here.  With it only being available in the United States and India, it's unclear as to how this rollout assists with that admittedly noble objective.  But we ain't buyin' it.  Now release it in Mozambique and Papua New Guinea, and both Bonnie Raitt and we will consider it somethin' to talk about. 

And furthermore, well, we're not stupid.  Facebook posted a public statement that seemed to backpedal on the issue, saying, "We decided to roll out Facebook Lite in the U.S. to give users a simple, expedient alternative to facebook.com, and hope that it will fill this need."  Hmmm.  Didn't you mean "a simple, expedient alternative to Twitter"?  Because "a simple, expedient alternative to facebook.com" already exists.  IT'S CALLED TWITTER.

Sigh.

What else is there to know about Fake Twitter, um, ahem, Facebook Lite?  A few notables:

  • The absence of the arbitrarily determined Highlights reel in your right-hand column, which famously features every single change in relationship status and deems important every photo with more than a lone comment;
  • The elimination of the oft-erroneous Suggestions box, thereby preventing you from pretending you actually like your cousin's girlfriend's sister's goth-punk alternative screamo band;
  • People You May Know hasn't gone anywhere, which awkwardly requests friendships for you, like that one-night stand from Mykonos, even after you've rejected his invitation more times than you bonked him;
  • There's absolutely, positively no way for your time-wastin' boss to know that you're checking Facebook while at work, seeing that the Chat application and any associated you're-fucking-around-online indications have been dropped altogether.

As a non-third world country with gobs and gobs of internet accessibility almost everywhere you turn (save a conference here or there), is Facebook Lite enough to make you ditch the main Facebook site, abandon Twitter, both, or neither?  Let us know in the comments below. 

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