Bring Me The Head Of This Bastardized Version Of Melrose Place

​Did the creators of this Melrose Place remake not take a note from the obvious failure of the "new" 90210? Did they not realize that you can only catch lightning in a bottle once?

Yes, friends, apparently the CW is bringing back the `90s soap in September, and I, for one, am disgusted by this turn of events.

I was so excited about the premiere of the REAL Melrose back in the day that I actually taped the first episode (okay, so I was 15 when it aired, gimme a break). I watched that first hour over and over, convinced that this was what my twenties would be like -- full of love, lust, intrigue, and Andrew Shue. (Wherefore art thou, Billy?) I still remember my father walking into the family room as I viewed the show's antics intently and hearing him say, "What the hell is this crap?"

By the time I made it college, Melrose had become a delightful, campy piece of filthy trash, complete with the infamous scene where Kimberly Shaw (all hail Marcia Cross) ripped off her wig -- awesome! The `90s version of Melrose -- the classic version -- lived and died by its own rules, and its spirit cannot be recaptured!

This bastardized new version stars the sister of Jessica Simpson (She Who Shall Not Be Named), along with a hodgepodge of emaciated, greased-up girls who look more like 18 than 28. The boys appear underfed and have purposely messy hair a la Robert Pattinson. Um, what happened to my strong musclemen of the original show? Or the real girls played by real-looking women like Courtney Thorne-Smith and Daphne Zuniga? Bleh!

Sadly, Thomas Calabro -- Dr. Michael Mancini (the only character from the original to survive the entire first run) -- is back. Guess life post-Melrose has not been good to Calabro, nor to Laura Leighton, who is reprising her role as the manipulative Sydney. Thomas, Laura, I know it's hard being a working actor, but surely you are better than this redux!

Sigh...I guess I've got to admit this is a reality. But if Heather Locklear chooses to join this new cast, I'm going to have to resort to reading books or something.