10 Slightly Better Reasons to Saw the Head Off a Child-Friendly Deer

Categories: Crime

whokilledbambi.jpg
In November of last year, the remains of a tame deer named Mr. Buck were found in Bear Creek Park - minus the head. After receiving an anonymous tip, police found Mr. Buck's head in the home freezer of one Brandon Eugene Gregory, which just goes to show: people just can't be trusted with the knowledge of what sort of remains you keep in your freezer. Hell, we've always said that.

Gregory claimed that the beheading was done in self-defense after Mr. Buck attacked him, despite the fact that a) Gregory showed up with bolt cutters and a bone saw, b) he'd used those bolt cutters to slice his way in through the exhibit's fence, c) Mr. Buck was very tame, child-friendly, and used to interacting with people, while d) Gregory possesses the sort of haunted thousand-yard stare usually reserved for ex-KGB assassins.

Gregory pleaded guilty today to taking a wildlife resource without landowner consent (a felony). As for his legal counsel not even attempting a plea of "not guilty", we have to place at least part of the blame on his lame "self-defense" excuse. The fact that he even tried to run with that one is by itself evidence that he should probably be kept away from sharp things for the foreseeable future. Hair Balls was able to think of no less than ten slightly less batshit insane excuses he could have used:

1. "Mr. Buck hacked into my Facebook account and changed my screen name to 'I <3 Deer Balls'."
2. "I clearly saw him giving me the finger. I mean, he technically couldn't due to having hooves, but the intended gesture was pretty obvious."
3. "I have it on good authority that he's the one who dimed Bambi's mom out to the hunters."
4. "Only by taking the head of Mr. Buck could I quiet the constant chattering of the many, many demons that live in my head."
5. "I'm an Astros man, and that son of a bitch always rooted for the Cards. 'Nuff said."
6. "I'd tell you why I did it, but it would violate the code of the Masonic Lodge I belong to."
7. "All I can say is I highly suggest y'all avoid doing shots of Gentleman Jack while playing Truth or Dare with a bunch of Aggies."
8. "He kept leaving messages on my girlfriend's voicemail. Homey don't play that."
9. "I was only doing research on how long animals can live without certain vital organs, just like all those Japanese whalers do."
10. "He was eyeballin' me."

Disclaimer: Hair Balls has eaten some fine venison in our time, sure. But to sneak into a wildlife preserve and saw the head off an animal that entertains children every day is messed up, no matter how you look at it (we almost said "no matter which way you slice it", which... seemed wrong). So all kidding aside... don't. We'd like for this to be an isolated incident, if it's all the same to y'all.

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