Dear Social Media Swami: Hey, Facebook Friend, Who Are You Again?

Actual swami not pictured

People try to contact me on Facebook, we become friends, yada yada. I assume that it's just the "we went to the same college" thing and think nothing of it. Then they write me messages like we know/knew each other and I literally have no recollection of ever speaking a word to them. What the eff do you do in a situation such as this? Do I play along? I feel like Facebook is always getting me into strange and uncomfortable scenarios.

Signed,
OMG It's Been Forever Right

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Dear OMG It's Been Forever Right,

Stalkers 1, You 0.

Tsk, tsk, OMG.  Automatically assuming you know the people friend requesting you on Facebook?  Bad, yo, very, very bad.  Dude, maybe you knew Shane Smallscock and maybe you didn't, but guess what?  That's something you oughta suss out from the get-go, partner, not after you hit that Confirm button.  Don't recognize Jane Jigglesworth?  Don't accept Jane Jigglesworth as your friend. Easy as pie.  Right, right, you don't want to piss people off that you may've met in a dark alley behind 7-11 and swore in a tequila-infused moment that you'd never, ever forget 'em.  You've got meaningful friendships to preserve, gotcha.  But if you can't identify someone via a profile photo or a full name, are these people really that integral to your network?

However, that's moot in your circumstances.  Your question seems to indicate you're way past the point of flippant rejection.  The perpetrators have emerged from behind enemy lines, and they're armed.  With gobs and gobs of personal information.  About you.  PANIC AT THE DISCO!

So how do you handle it?  Simple.  Buck up and confront it.  For example, Meg Mesofine is saying, "Remember that time we went to Jamaica on spring break and tied those naked frat boys to a tree and drank coconut juice as it dribbled from their bellybuttons?"  And you know - well, okay, you're fairly certain, to the best of your recollection, of course (damnit, details get hazy, don't they?) - that you were only traipsing about the island with Suzy Dee Sanchez that night.  Curious.  Time to balls up and ask for corroboration already.  A little message saying, "Hey, I'm sorry, I'm the asshole, but refresh my memory on how we met again?"  A bona fide, ride-'n-die Facebook friend will forgive the oversight with minimal inflicted pain and fill in the blanks for you.  And if they don't?  Take the axe to your friend list and chop 'em out, Paul Bunyan.

Would you leave your wallet wide open on the bar at Poison Girl on a Thursday night with your junk splayed all about (your wallet, not your legs)?  You know the answer to that. Hopefully.  So quit giving unverified friendships the benefit of the doubt and exercise (or develop) that discerning eye.  Or else you'll only have yourself to blame when Scott the Psycho calls you by name on the street and follows you home at night with Astroglide, electrical tape, and a turpentine-soaked rag in his pockets.

Peace, love, and blogs,
Social Media Swami

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