Social Media Smackdown: Facebook vs. LinkedIn

They tell you landing a job via social media that won't trigger your gag reflex is a piece of cake. They share insider tips and tricks like Carrie and Samantha dishing blowjob techniques over Cosmos. They tell you to keep your nose clean, but if you can't, don't post photos of it online. So when it comes to making those cash money connections, who gives you The Big O? Uh, and "O" stands for "opportunity." Pervert.

Euphemisms aside, which social networking site is gonna getcha the green? When "green" means "money" ('cause what else would it mean?), the candidate pool is quite sobering, and Oprah knows it, too. Since Oprahness is next to godliness, it all must come down to the things MySpace fears in the night. No, not Tom. Facebook and LinkedIn, honey.

That's right. Facebook and LinkedIn. Throw all the impostors out. Only one can win this battle. You should see it as having a 50% chance of scoring. The odds are better than most of your Saturday nights, by far. Ding that bell, and get in the ring. It's time to throw down.

Factor #1: Finding Potential Psychopath Colleagues
While it's really neat-o you can publicly admit that you were born in a decade when Rod Stewart was considered a sex symbol, and while it's uber-cool that you can share your anal retentiveness in bed with the entire world, nothing beats making a meaningful connection with your fellow mobile erotica professionals. Advantage: LinkedIn.

Factor #2: Steady Stream of Shit No One Cares About
Face it - there's no such thing as drunk posting your Network Updates on LinkedIn. Alas, if only Bob Miller being recommended for that Creative Director gig really addressed his eye for salacious details and graphic prowess! One can only hope. However, you may just log into Facebook at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning and find your professional hero confessing to Status Updates that her boyfriend cannot get and has never gotten her off. Brilliant. You win. Advantage: Facebook.

Factor #3: Reasonable Hot-or-Not Assessment
Who wants to work with ugly people? Oh, come off your politically correct high horse already. You want to know whether or not you'll be fantasizing about your boss during meetings or throwing darts at her likeness for years to come. Gives "getting a raise" an entirely new meaning, dontcha think? However, ain't no 1x1 picture gonna tell you much of anything, 'cept maybe teach you that a case of the MySpace angles translates to LinkedIn, too. Photos: Good. Photo albums: Better. Photo albums with shirtless boss from his trip to Hawaii: Great. Advantage: Facebook.

Factor #4: People You Don't Know, Now You Know
Recognize anyone from Facebook's Suggestions widget? Yeah, no one ever does. Kudos to Facebook for attempting to get everyone on the site to know each other somehow, in some way. Now that's the true spirit of globalization and world domination. How dare LinkedIn include people you actually know in People You May Know? Assholes. Advantage: Facebook.

Factor #5: Ability for People to Bother You Directly
Holy shit, the Human Resources Director at Nestlé is a second-degree connection on LinkedIn? Your dreams of becoming a Bakery Technologist are within arm's reach! But hold up there, cowboy. Not so fast. To send mail to her, you're gonna need to upgrade your account (read: shell out the dolla dolla bills, y'all), or hope that the schmuck you're connected to puts you both in contact. The schmuck's a career cockblocker? Kiss your dreams of getting paid to eat cookie dough goodbye. On the other hand, unless the person has an extreme phobia of interaction, anyone's Facebook Inbox is fair game. Stalkers, mount up. Advantage: Facebook.

Verdict: Facebook, by a hair. A whole head of hair, that is.