10 Ways Miguel Tejada Can Do His Public Service
To: Drayton McLane
From: Pam Gardner
Cc: Ed Wade, Tal Smith, Cecil Cooper
Re: Miguel Tejada's Community Service
As you are no doubt aware, the team yesterday agreed to help Miguel Tejada, shortstop, fulfill the 100 hours of community service that is part of his sentence for lying to Congress. I've done some brainstorming with my marketing people, and I think we have come up with some ways to handle this while giving the team just the right amount of positive publicity.
10. Since the Houston Chronicle has laid off most of his sports staff, we thought that having Mr. Tejada handle the beat reporter duties for TSU might be a good way to score us some points with the minority population.
9. We're going outside of the box with this one, but we think that having to play baseball in Pittsburgh is the equivalent of cruel and unusual punishment, so we're going to petition the judge to have his playing time in games in Pittsburgh against the Pirates count as community service.
8. Since Mr. Tejada is older than we originally thought, we thought that we might send him out to various old-age homes and have him sit and chat with some of the residents. He'll probably be moving in with them once his Astros contract expires, anyway.
7. This comes from one G. Hunsicker, and we found it in the suggestion box, but...how about we stick Mr. Tejada in a room with you for 100 hours while you deliver inspirational speeches?
6. We thought about making Mr. Tejada responsible for keeping Kaz Matsui healthy this season, but then he'd never get his 100 hours of community service served.
5. How about sticking him in the radio booth with Milo Hamilton? That would put two people who can't speak English in the booth, further serving the minority communities, plus he could probably get service credit for aiding the elderly.
4. There's been some discussion about sending him out to area high schools and having him speak to the athletes about the dangers of doing drugs, but seeing as how his career has tanked since he stopped taking steroids, that might not be a good idea.
Photo by CarbonNYC Feeding time for Carlos
3. We think that putting him in charge of feeding Carlos Lee could be seen as a community service, but then again, if he's feeding Carlos Lee, he'll never be at the ballpark because he will constantly be hunting down food.
2. We have discussed petitioning the court to have each base hit Mr.Tejada gets be declared as an hour of community service. After all, he will be providing a service for the community of the Houston Astros.
1. The consensus option is simple: if you can lie to Congress with impunity, why even bother with this whole community service thing?