I hate to be the bearer of bad news, rodeo bullriders, but we're rooting
against you. Don't take it personally, it's just that when wagering on
an average human male vs. 1,500 pounds of pissed off ungulate, we're
taking the bull. And wearing that pansy-ass body armor isn't very
endearing either. In any event, here are some of the more memorable
bovine assaults in cinema history:
5. Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
Movie experts agree the "fetchez la vache" sequence is still
among cinema's funniest. Or would be, if you hadn't already heard the
entire movie quoted in its entirety by three-decades' worth of nerds.
4. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969)
This one is pretty weak: Butch and Etta get away, and on a
bicycle no less, while the bull is left huffing and puffing in
their wake. Whatever, R.I.P Paul Newman.
3. Kung Pow: Enter the Fist (2002)
As comedic scenes involving cows go, this ranks somewhere between
Mars Attacks and Return to Salem's Lot. In terms of
actual laughs, I'd put Kung Pow just below three hours of
closed-circuit dogfight footage.
2. Jackass Number Two (2006)
Johnny Knoxville and crew get the horns in a couple of scenes from this
collection, proving that the line between "legitimate sport" and
"suicidal idiocy" has become forever blurred.
1. Top Secret! (1984)
It's uncertain if Christopher "Nigel" Villiers is even aware that his
character's apparently wholly justifiable anal rape would serve as a
template for Houston Chronicle website commenters discussing
crime stories to this day.