Health Museum Gets All Space-Age

Categories: Spaced City
No one with half an operating brain cell can ever forget The Onion's classic column by the CEO of Gillette headlined "Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades."

They've obviously read it over at the Health Museum. Fuck 3-D, they're saying, we're going Four-D.

"Along with the 3-D effects of the film, guests will also experience gusts of wind, mist, fog and light strobes as the expedition team searches for the quintessential 'bad guys' in the human cell," the museum's statement on the earthshaking news says. "Other 4-D environmental effects that are possible in the theater include thunder, lightning and scents."

Smell-O-Vision? Didn't they try that back in the `50s?

The theater has been closed at the museum for a month as technicians prepared it for the brave new 4-D world. It will open September 6.

"Being able to offer science in 4-D speaks directly to the tech-savvy youth of today," says Jon Iszard, the museum's president and CEO. (Those kids, what with their iPods and all.)

Frankly, we prefer the statement by the Gillette CEO:

What part of this don't you understand? If two blades is good, and three blades is better, obviously five blades would make us the best fucking razor that ever existed. Comprende? We didn't claw our way to the top of the razor game by clinging to the two-blade industry standard. We got here by taking chances. Well, five blades is the biggest chance of all.

Here's the report from Engineering. Someone put it in the bathroom: I want to wipe my ass with it. They don't tell me what to invent—I tell them. And I'm telling them to stick two more blades in there. I don't care how. Make the blades so thin they're invisible. Put some on the handle. I don't care if they have to cram the fifth blade in perpendicular to the other four, just do it!

You're taking the "safety" part of "safety razor" too literally, grandma. Cut the strings and soar. Let's hit it. Let's roll. This is our chance to make razor history.

-- Richard Connelly

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