Seven Things We'd Like To Be Tax-Free This Weekend

Are you positively giddy at the thought of trying to cram your way into a Target, elbow your way down the aisles, push away slow grandmas and clumsy toddlers just so you can wait on an interminable line to pay and then walk a mile and a half to your car, just to save some bucks?

Us, too!! It's what makes the start of the school year so great!

But Texas' list of items that are tax-free this weekend is so boring.

Yay -- socks and shorts. Hip, hip hurray for, as the state's list puts it, "belts with attached buckles" and "gloves (generally)". Huzzah for "diapers - adult and baby."

Like we say, booorrrring.

What we want to see be tax-free this weekend:

Beer. Because we're gonna need a lot of it if we have to get anywhere near a Target.

Slim Jims. Because come on, they go good with beer. And who can afford the taxes on one of the really big sticks?

Recreational Drugs. See "Beer." And ain't that how The Man is always busting your dealer, for not filing the proper tax forms on his sales?

Pornography (Educational kind only). For instance, a title like "Hotttt For Teacher" would be tax-free, as would "MILFs Go Wild," as long as the MILFs in question still had school-age kids. "Anal Adventures XXVI" might or might not qualify, depending on how educational the adventures are. If they're like Dora the Explorer, fine.

A GALLON OF GAS. Am I right, people? I mean -- with all that hot air in Washington, you'd think they'd use that to power some cars, right? Right? (End Jay Leno imitation.)

The 30-Day Aged Akaushi Beef filet at Tony's, $125 a pop. Because, contrary to what Leona Helmsley famously said, it's not only the little people who pay taxes.

Lottery winnings. Because our entire financial plan for surviving this Bush economy depends on getting lucky this weekend.

-- Richard Connelly