Tunnel Mole Surfaces, Discovers SUV Assholes

Categories: Tunnel Mole
Finally realized why traffic flows so smoothly in Houston -- in the Downtown Houston Tunnel System (patent pending), that is:

There’s no friggin’ SUVs!!! The pedestrian equivalent, large people, don’t populate the tunnels so much -- or maybe it’s that all the walking at an intense clip has whittled everyone down.

Anyway, there’s no delays due to the "only three vehicles getting through a light ‘cause two are humongous" theory. Just smooth sailin’, 24/7—better make that 11/5, since that's pretty much "tunnel time." Very few potholes there, too.

Speaking of a two-syllable word with the second one being “hole,” I left the tunnel to hit the downtown Spec’s to get my Friday Fix. I was stuck behind God knows how many SUVs, so it was gonna take twice as long.

YOU entered my life, nearly clipping me and your brethren hawgs, going easily 63 mph, just as the rest of us were just cranking up to go through the light at long last.

I was startled enough to pee my pants only just a little, not enough to really count for the party I was on my way to. Good! I thought. A total change of clothes and/or ER visit not really needed here. But I became entranced with your presence. I had to know who entered my life in such a breathtaking and pee-making way.

You know who you are. A maverick. A rebel. Asshole guy in a big black SUV. Bold.

I immediately assumed lawyer or investment banker or some other class that is above the rest of us and of course, not beholden to any rules or laws established by mere mortals.

But that assumption lived up to the old saying about making an ASS out of U and MPTION, because it was rush hour and when we arrived at Spec's, it was clear you weren't a downtown commuter. Downtown is our HOV, and you got on illegally in your sneaks, shorts and a garish yellow t-shirt (that probably announced how many beers you chugged at a Hooters-wannabe establishment in College Station or Baton Rouge).

I felt compelled to stalk you (hey, never saw any prohibitions against it posted at that establishment). Wanted to get one of the police officers working Spec’s to check the asshole’s breath, but decided he probably didn’t carry a breathalyzer kit at the liquor store where he moonlights. That’s like warning about the devil at Lakewood Church! (Get it?)

Although you headed for the beer (natch), I finally decided you weren’t going for the Dos Equis and therefore are not the most interesting man in the world. And so as quickly as you came into my life, I let you go – don’t worry; we can still be friends. I bought my cheap wine and headed for the party.

Have been away from the tunnels for a few months; been on the road. So out of duty to you loyal tunnel fans, thought I’d update the events down there:

That Thai place closed.

Well, that wraps it up! Be sure to patronize your nearby tunnel system for all your needs except booze; for that, surface and meander down to the massive Spec’s on Smith. Watch out for the potholes and the assholes along the way.

-- Tunnel Mole

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