File under: “It’s About Damn Time!” With the world going to hell in an SUV, it’s reassuring to know that Texas has stepped up to the plate in order to give children (who, by the way, are our future) the one thing they absolutely need to know in an increasingly globalized marketplace: A better understanding of the Bible. Last Friday, the Texas State Board of Education gave final approval to a 2007 State Legislature measure allowing elective Bible-study courses in public schools. (Of course, the classes would focus on the “history” and “literature” of the Bible, and would, in absolutely no way, be used to proselytize, because that kind of shit just never happens in Texas).

Some teachers have been awaiting this decision for ages, but still might need some help putting together a comprehensive, fair and historically accurate syllabus that takes its lessons straight from the pages of the Bible.

Here's our attempt:

I. Genesis – not just a great band!

a) Impregnating your wife’s servant – is it ever OK? (reading assignment: Genesis 16: 1-16, “Hagar the Not-So-Horrible”)

b) Impregnating your virgin daughters – is it ever OK? (reading assignment Genesis 19: 30-38, “Lot Gets Some”)

c) Voices telling you to kill a family member – paranoid schizophrenia or prophecy? (reading assignment: Genesis 22: 1-19, “Why Koresh was Krazy, but Abe’s A-OK”)

II.) Sometimes God Really Does Want You to Kill Your Kid for His Pleasure

a) Jephthah’s daughter – a burnt offering you can’t refuse (reading assignment: Judges 11: 29-40, “You Can Always Have Another Kid – Just Bang Your Other Daughters”)

III.) Leviticus: Rules You Can Use (reading assignment: Leviticus 21: 1-24, “What are You Talking About – This Makes Complete Sense”)

Man shall not lie with man as with woman.

(But as long as you're citing that Leviticus rule, don't forget the others:)

Man shall not lie with woman during her “unclean” time.
Man shall not marry a widow, divorcee, or hooker.
No dwarfs in the temple.
No one with a broken foot in the temple.
No one with pinkeye in the temple.
No blind people in the temple.
No one with scurvy in the temple.

IV.) The Bible in Hollywood: The Greatest Movies of the Greatest Story

a) The Passion of the Christ – more awesome than all Saw movies combined.

b) Left Behind: Kirk Cameron’s initials are only one off from “J.C.” Coincidence – or prophecy?

c) The Ten Commandments: Take your stinking chains off my people, you damn dirty Pharaoh!

d) Any Which Way But Loose: A thinly veiled allegorical interpretation of Corinthians II. With an orangutan.

-- Craig Malisow