Ron Paul, the Jason Voorhees of Presidential Candidates

Like a disgustingly rich, misanthropic cancer-ridden nonagenarian clinging on his hospital bed to what few remaining brain cells haven’t atrophied, just to spite all his would-be heirs, Ron Paul’s presidential campaign just won’t freaking die already.

Apparently unfamiliar with the terms “graceful exit” or “shut the fuck up already,” Paul’s delegates turned Nevada’s Republican convention upside-down Saturday, dominating some weird party vote that opened the convention up to all state candidates. (Yes, it’s extremely confusing, and this story doesn’t really help.) They were emboldened by none other than the good doctor himself, who said in a speech that he’ll continue running as long as there’s support, which is kind of like keeping “According to Jim” on the air because five people might actually like it.

Things got downright ugly when the party chairman suddenly canceled the whole thing, resulting in “boos!” and, according to another source, screams for blood. So this whole thing should serve as fair warning to anyone who thinks McCain has the nomination sewn up, as well as anyone who thinks black teens are especially “fleet-footed”: Ron Paul is here to stay. Well, at least for a few more months. – Craig Malisow


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