Secret Crimes of the Characters from "Gilligan’s Island"

Categories: Pop Rocks

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How could you have missed this one, right? We recently learned that Dawn Wells, who played television’s original girl next door as Mary Ann on “Gilligan’s Island,” is serving six months probation for being caught with a little weed in her car.

Our pig-tailed Miss Sunshine gave some pretty hilarious reasons for her erratic driving. Turns out she was driving recklessly because the heat controls in her car are difficult to manage. (What, was she turning them with her toes?). And she claimed the pot came from some dope-smoking hitchhikers she picked up. (Mary Ann Summers IS “Easy Rider.”) I don’t fault her for trying to cover up the incident, but now that everything’s out in the open, I thought I’d ponder what other crimes the members of “Gilligan’s Island” would be arrested for, if those castaways were real people…

Gilligan: Meth head. I mean, that’s obvious. Arrested for meth and petty crimes such as stealing the copper from The Professor’s wires to pay for his cheap, cheap hillbilly heroin.

The Professor: The Department of Homeland Security would definitely have a profile on this guy, complete with write-ups on all his proposed inventions and ideas that are sure to fall into the hands of terrorists. Hell, maybe the professor himself is working in cooperation with said terrorists…you never know.

The Skipper: I hate to say it, but you know we’re all thinking it. Kiddie porn. I know, I know…I don’t want to believe it, either. But that’s the first thought that comes to mind, and I just can’t help it.

Thurston Howell III: Embezzled corporate funds and actually planned the shipwreck in an attempt to hide his crimes. Has a secret stash of money in a Swiss bank account and plans to access it once they make it off the island.

Lovey Howell: Illegal trafficking of minors and undocumented workers for the purposes of keeping up her large mansion and other properties. Pays her employees a dollar a day and refuses to let them use the telephone. Demands they clean the bathroom floors with a toothbrush.

Ginger Grant: Tax evasion due to the hiring of a moron manager who tried to hide her funds in several tax shelter schemes. Now the IRS is looking for her. Also runs a ring of illegal Botox parties with a doctor who got his degree from a mail order operation. – Jennifer Mathieu

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